


A Long Time Coming

by 7thwave



Category: Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-17
Updated: 2020-05-13
Packaged: 2021-02-07 15:21:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 28,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21460213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/7thwave/pseuds/7thwave
Summary: Kings Landing has fallen. Daenerys is dead and Bran is now king.Everything has played out as it did except for one small detail.Tyrion never freed Jaime.________________________Seven hells! I'm still not over it so this is my fix!The most believable way I know to deal with the carnage that was Season 8, and once this it out of my head, maybe I can let it all go. :) I hope you like.Warning: there is reference to suicide. Read with caution.
Relationships: Jaime Lannister/Brienne of Tarth
Comments: 52
Kudos: 214





	1. Chapter 1

** _(The Red Keep after the destruction of King’s Landing and the death of The Dragon Queen)_ **

Brienne walked the dark winding halls and courtyards of the Red Keep after a long and difficult day. She had arrived in the capital just this morning alongside Sansa, Arya, Bran and a handful of Northern Lords. They had immediately gathered in the Dragon’s Pit with the other lords of Westeros from the remaining six kingdoms. Everyone there wore a look of shock and dismay. They had believed in Daenerys and in what they thought she would do to bring Westeros together again under a generous and kind ruler. Instead, she had laid waste to King’s Landing and the day before thier departure, the Starks had learned of her murder by the hand of her most loyal subject and lover...Jon Snow himself. 

That was, before they were told of his true identity. 

She didn’t know what was more shocking, that news or the sight of the city itself. From a distance, it had looked like there was nothing left but a pile of smoking rubble. As they entered what was left of the gates, they had seen a city ruined, cobbling together what was left of their homes and lives. One street had been cleared to allow for passage to the Red Keep and along the way, people would run out of their homes, hoping that the visitors who arrived were here to aid them in some way. Their faces fell as they realized that wasn’t their purpose. They now had to step into the void that Cersei and Daenerys had left. 

The implications of Jon’s lineage had been stunning. He would have had rights to the throne had he not been imprisoned by the Unsullied and Dothraki, still loyal to their slain queen. In the end, and after long discussion, concessions had been made. Jon would not be king, but a new monarch needed to be chosen, and they now had one. Brandon Stark. King Bran. She wasn’t sure what to make of it, but after the Lannisters, choosing a Stark king seemed like a fair solution. 

_ Lannisters _ ...her footsteps echoed on the cold stone floors. Much of the dust and rubble had been cleared away but large sections of intricate stone carvings that had once graced the ceilings and pillars now lay in pieces at her feet. She couldn't imagine the force it had taken to topple so much of the Red Keep. She stopped beside a lion’s head, it’s fierce scowl softened by it’s missing fangs. She paused for only a moment, and turned her face away.  _ Lannisters _ ...

The raven that had arrived before leaving Winterfell had also confirmed the death of Cersei Lannister. She had been found crushed in the rubble, trying to escape through the tunnels below the keep. Tyrion had kindly included the news of Jaime’s fate, although that news wasn’t needed by the Stark’s, it was meant for her alone. Brienne had held her breath, her body stiffening and preparing for the blow, far worse than any foe could deliver...his death alongside his beloved sister. 

But fate had been kind and he had been captured trying to slip through the gates by Daenerys’ forces and had been held by them throughout the battle. All Brienne knew was that he was alive and in King’s Landing. But that’s all she wanted to know. She shut herself off from all other news of Jaime. 

She walked the darkened hallways, lost in thought but soon realized that she didn’t know which way led to her room. Sighing, she stood illuminated in torchlight looking down one direction and then another. They all looked the same to her exhausted mind.

“Are you lost?”

Brienne jumped, he hand immediately on Oathkeeper, but then froze on the spot. She knew that voice. She turned and saw a figure standing in the shadows opposite her. He stepped into the light and all the air escaped her lungs. 

Jaime was not the man who had left Winterfell. Over the short amount of time that had passed, he had lost a considerable amount of weight. Dark circled his large and luminous eyes. His hair was tangled and his clothes looked wrinkled and dirty. Were they the same clothes he had worn when he had left her and ridden south? All this considered, it was the haunted look in his eyes that caught Brienne’s pity and the way his shoulders sagged, as if he carried the weight of Westeros. He was mourning  _ her _ , that was clear, yet her heart broke for his suffering. She would not let him see that, though. Never again.

“No. I’m fine. I’ll find my way. Thank you.”, she said stiffly. Yet she lingered long enough to take him in, to remember how it was between them in Winterfell. She felt herself blush and her heart thumped under her armour so loudly she thought he might hear it. She finally tore her eyes away from his and turned to go.

“Brienne...I don’t know what you must think of me, but...”

_ Think of him? Did he honestly not know what she thought of him?  _ After all the times they saved each other from certain death, after fighting side by side against the dead?  _ She had slept in his bed, and begged him to stay with her, and he still doubted how she felt!  _ This needed to end. 

“But you do know. Because you told me what to think of you.” Her body trembled as she turned back to him, filled with such hurt and disappointment and love for the man who stood in front of her. The man who had wanted to die in the arms of his sister. “Hateful.”

Jaime visibly blanched. His eyes grew wide as if she had literally driven Oathkeeper right through his heart. 

Brienne, too weary and overcome and fearing she would start to weep in front of him, again, turned and swept down the hallway, whichever way it lead, as long as it lead away from him.

Jaime stood as stone, alone in the darkened hall as Brienne walked away from him, and then faltered as he reached out for the wall to keep himself from falling. 

………

Despite her fatigue, she lay wide awake in bed, her heart aching and her mind racing, hating herself for the words she had spoken to him, when there was a quick and determined knock on the door. She rose quickly to answer and was surprised to find Samwell Tarly, his eyes large and round, looking fearful.

“I’m so sorry to disturb you at this late hour, Ser Brienne, but I’ve...I’ve had a … queer visit from … ummm, well, Ser Jaime. And I thought you...well, someone who’s a...friend, should know.”, he said nervously. 

“What is it?”, she asked, her heart starting to race again. 

“Well, he came to my chambers asking for … Essence of Nightshade. I asked him what he wanted it for but he wouldn’t say. I said that I wasn’t … comfortable giving it to him and he, well, he pulled out his sword and said he would cut my throat if I didn’t give it to him. S...so I did. I’m so sorry, but I ran straight here, just in case of...well, he doesn’t look well and I was worried that…”

Brienne didn’t let him finish his sentence. 

“Where are his rooms? Do you know?” 

“I believe he’s been staying in Queen Cersei’s old rooms.”

“Thank you, Samwell!”, she yelled back at him as she bolted for Maegor’s Keep. She took two steps at a time as up and up she went, dodging the piles of rubble along the way, nearly out of breath before she reached his door. She slammed her body against it once, again, and once more before the door gave way and she saw Jaime, sitting alone on a chair, facing away from her. An empty vial and a cup sat beside him on the table where his arm lay. He didn’t move as she burst into the room.

“ _ What in the seven hells do you think you’re doing? _ ”

She ran to him and knelt in front of him, his eyes glassy and staring straight ahead, unseeing. She looked into the cup and to her relief saw that it was still partially full of wine.

“Did you drink?”, she asked him. He neither responded or moved. 

“ _ Look at me, Jaime Lannister! Did you drink? _ ”, she nearly screamed. 

Finally his dead eyes moved towards her, and he shook his head, but barely. Relief flooded her but so did her anger. 

“This is beneath you!”, she growled as she took the cup and empty vial, strode to the balcony and threw them both over the railing.

“ _ How could you do this? _ ”, she turned on him but he neither moved nor looked up to her. She started pacing the room, thrusting her hands through her hair. “ _ Gods, Jaime!! _ ”

Jaime’s voice was flat.

“Tyrion was right. I always knew what Cersei was and I loved her anyway. What does that make me?” He finally looked up at her, grief and misery twisting his beautiful face. “I wasn’t there when she needed me most. And now she’s gone.”

“Which means what? That you need to die as well? Waste your life?” Brienne’s anger was fiery, fuelled by her fear. She had just about lost him again.

“I hurt you too.”

She stopped her pacing and looked back at him, angry and confused.

“You do honestly think my tears were for myself?”

Confusion clouded his eyes. 

“Bloody hells, I promised myself I wouldn’t say this again.” She pulled a chair over to him to face him and sat down. She stared at him for a moment to make sure that his eyes were trained on her. He was listening.

“My tears that night were not for myself. They were for you.”

His brows pulled together, still looking confused.

“When you lost your hand, you thought your life was over then too, do you remember?” Jaime only blinked. “But it wasn’t, was it? What did you go on to do? You learned to fight with your left. You again, saved thousands of people at Riverrun. You led your men like you always have. You took on a bloody dragon to try to save them! You did what was right, defied your sister, and you rode north and fought for every man, woman and child in Westeros. With one bloody hand, you did all that!”

“Brienne, I have also done things…”

“Yes. You have. As have so many others who were blinded by well intentioned loyalty.” She leaned forward and put her hand on his chest, above his heart. “Give yourself a little grace, Jaime.  _ Your heart is good _ . Since the day I met you, everything you did out of Cersei’s grasp was  _ good _ . She wrapped your good heart with bad intentions and it was your stupid, blind loyalty that told you it was the right thing to do. When  _ you _ made your own decisions, you made good and kind and brave ones. Never thinking of yourself, always thinking of others. Now that she is gone, you are free to see that for yourself. Once and for all, put all those things you regret behind you and see the good that you have done!” She put her hand on his shoulder. “Be brave, Ser Jaime Lannister. Be just. Defend the innocent.”

By this time Jaime’s eyes were shining with tears. 

“Do you trust me, Jaime?”

“I trust you more than anyone.”

“Do you believe me a liar?”

“I’ve never known you to utter a lie.”, his voice broke.

“Then believe me when I tell you this.” She took his face in her hands, as she did the night he left and looked deeply into his eyes, hoping to give him all the strength she had to get through the coming days. “I wept for you because you couldn’t see what I see.  _ A good man _ . An honourable man in his own right! Who could  _ live _ , and go forward in this world and do  _ more _ good. Because now, more than ever, that’s what Westeros needs.”

With that, he put his head into her lap, wrapped his arms around her waist and wept.

In the morning, he was gone.

………

Brienne had fallen asleep in his bed, worried to leave him for the night. Although she tried to convince him to sleep, he had sat all night in his chair, staring out over the city. She knew this because she had woken many times during the night with worried dreams of him. She had finally fallen asleep early that morning, only to wake again a short time later to a note placed beside her pillow. The chair was empty. 

_ Brienne,  _

_ No one has ever believed in me as you do.  _

_ You will always be with me, like Milaj and Phedah. _

_ I’m so truly sorry. _

_ Jaime _

Brienne shook the sleep from her head and reread the note. Her eyes grew wide. She threw on a dressing gown and ran to Tyrion’s rooms and knocked until he finally answered. When he saw the look in her eyes, he held up his own note. 

“He’s left.”, Tyrion stated solemnly. Her face fell and she held up her own. 

“Did he say where…?”

“No, only to say goodbye. I never imagined he could stay. I think it hurts him too much. We have to let him go.”

Brienne nodded, her throat hurt from the tears she held back. “I know.”

………

All that day his words rang in her ear. “ _ You will always be with me like Milaj and Phedah.”  _

Milaj and Phedah. She didn’t understand what that meant but something about it was familiar. She had heard those names before but as much as she said them over and over and rolled them around in her mind, she just couldn’t place them.

Late that night, out of desperation, she crept to the library hoping that no one was about. She should have known that Samwell Tarly would be up late, pouring over a dusty, leather-bound book, surprising him as she carefully opened the creaky door. 

“Ser Brienne?”

“Samwell, I um, I didn’t expect to find you here.”

“Where else would I be?”, Sam smiled. “It’s an incredible library, well, not as incredible as the Citadel, but…can I help you with anything? Is everything alright? I heard that Ser Jaime…”

“Yes. Ser Jaime has left King’s Landing.” It hung in the air between them but out of kindness, Sam only said. “Ah. I see.” She couldn’t look him in the eyes and see his pity so she pressed on.

“Ummm…, yes Samwell, I was just going to look something up. Something I read and … perhaps you can help me? They are...two names. Milaj and Phedah. Do they sound familiar to you at all?”

“Milaj and Phedah. Well, yes, they are, but why do you ask of such things?”

“Well, I read them somewhere and I just can’t seem to remember where I’ve heard them before. It’s just...simple curiosity I suppose.”

“Huh. Well, I could tell you but it’s probably better I show you.” Confused, he led her outside the library, down a hallway, through some doors to a balcony overlooking the city. He pulled the torches out of their holders and snuffed out the fires and set them back. He then led her to the edge of the balcony and pointed up into the dark night sky.

“See that line of five stars there, the bright blinking ones, right there?” He pointed and she leaned in close. 

“Yes, I see them.”

“Now follow those stars to the left. See that one bright spot, it looks like one large star?”

“Yes…”

“That’s Milaj and Phedah. If you look carefully, it’s actually two stars that are quite close together. In fact, they are the closest stars to one another that you can see with the naked eye.”

Brienne’s heart started to pound in her chest. 

“What is so special about these stars?”, she asked.

“Well, you see, all stars seem to move and realign themselves to other stars as the seasons change. Milaj and Phedah are companion stars. They always travel the sky together, regardless of the season.”

“I see.” Brienne said softly, thankful of the darkness that hid the tears rolling down her cheeks. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should explain that this won't be a full blown fic with mass amounts of plot development. I meant it only as a series of conversations as that's what I love to write. Hopefully their dialogue will fill in any important bits of information you need to make sense of the story but, bloody hell, I just want these two to talk. Sorry not sorry. :) I hope you enjoy.

** _10 years later:_ **

“Pod?..._Pod!_”

“Yes, Ser?” Pod came hurrying around the corner. Brienne sat at her desk in the quarters of the Lord Commander, mulling over a stack of parchments that needed her attention. 

“Ummm...could you please bring me the report book from the other room?”

“Yes, M’lady.”, Pod returned within moments with a thick, heavy book that comprised of the daily reporting of the Kingsguard’s activities. It was a job that Brienne loathed but as part of her duties as Lord Commander, she never complained.

“Oh damn. Could you also bring the schedule for the Queen’s visit, please?” She looked up at Pod and smiled at him, showing her appreciation for his assistance. 

“Is that also in the…?”

“Yes, I believe I stuck it under the box of messages. Thank you, Pod.” Pod rushed off to collect the schedule and returned after she heard fumbling from the next room. He placed it on her desk as she absently mulled over an entry for the report. 

“Thanks so much…”, she murmured. 

“You’re very welcome, Ser Brienne.”

Brienne stopped her mulling and blinked. That wasn’t Pod’s voice. She slowly looked up from her books and met the smiling, green eyes of Ser Jaime Lannister.

Brienne’s face went blank as she stared up at him, frozen to the spot. For the span of 5 heartbeats, all they did was stare at the other. Feeling slowly came back to her extremities and she slowly stood up. 

“Jaime…”, she whispered, not believing what she was seeing. It had been 10 years since she’d seen his face, almost familiar to her as her own, and yet...changed.

“Hello Brienne.” 

His voice was soft and slightly deeper, more textured. His hair was longer than she remembered and shot heavily with grey but it was neatly groomed. He still had the beard he wore in Winterfell but he wore civilian clothes, well made and well fitted. Widow’s Wail still hung by his side. The golden hand was gone and in its place was a simple hook, polished to a shine. He looked every bit the gentleman. His eyes were framed with deeper lines and more plentiful but they sparkled green as he softly smiled at her while she took him in.

She didn’t know what to say, she could only stare and breathe.  _ Just keep breathing _ , she told herself.

His eyes traveled down to her golden Kingsguard armour and then back up to her face.

“It suits you.”, he said softly but with a smirk. “Much more than it ever did me.”

Pod interrupted with a cough and said, “M’Lady, Sers, I’ll go down to the…”

“No!”, Brienne said quickly. “Pod, I need your help with the...uh, with the…”

“I think that can wait.”, he said with a knowing smile and then disappeared. Brienne huffed, her nostrils flared with agitation. Pod would hear from her later. She calmed herself and looked up again into Jaime’s amused face.

“So. You’re back.” She hoped her voice didn’t shake too much.

Jaime only nodded slowly. “Yes, I suppose I am. You...don’t look entirely happy to see me…”, he teased.

She chose to ignore the remark. “You look well.”, she said nervously.

“As do you.” His face grew serious and the silence stretched out between them. 

“Tyrion told me that you were promoted to Lord Commander...shortly after I left. Well done, Brienne.” There was no mocking tone in his voice. He truly sounded like he was proud of her and it made her blush. After 10 years of being Lord Commander of King Brandon’s White Cloaks he could still make her blush. Damn her fair skin, showing every emotion that crossed it’s path. 

It made Jaime’s breath catch. Still the innocent Brienne he had known. 

“So you’ve been in touch with Tyrion? This...entire time?”

“Hmmmm...here and there. Did he not mention that he had heard from me?”

“He did at first...tell us, the small council I mean, that he had heard from you. Two years after you left. So...at least we knew you were alive.” There was accusation in her voice. Damn these nerves. She took a deep breath, and looked up into his eyes. “But I asked him  _ not _ to update me on your whereabouts every time he received a letter. I had my duties to get on with.”

“Ah, of course. Your duties.” He looked a little hurt but his smile was still amused, biting back a sharp report, no doubt. “Nothing much changes, hey Brienne?”

“I suppose not…”

They were interrupted by footsteps that rang in the hallway outside her chambers and with a flurry, they turned into the room and stopped in front of Brienne’s desk.

“ _ Momma! _ You said you would come down and spar with me! I’ve been waiting for-EVER!”

Jaime stepped back and could only stare at the young girl that stood before him. Long golden locks that were tied back but yearning to be freed from their constraints. Freckles played across her nose and flushed cheeks and the second bluest eyes he’d ever seen stared accusingly at the first. 

His heart dropped to his feet.  _ Momma _ . He tore his eyes away from the girl to meet Brienne’s. Confusion and bewilderment met despondency and fear. 

“ _ Seven hells… _ ”, he heard her breathe softly. She straightened herself up to address her daughter.

“Cat, I said I would come down as soon as I finished these reports. I’m not yet finished.”

Cat only huffed as she looked from her mother to the man who was taking up her mother’s time. It was Brienne as a young girl, he saw it all now. 

“Who are you?”, she asked Jamie bluntly with her hands on her hips. 

“Catelyn...remember your manners.”, Brienne said sternly. 

“Fine...”, Cat said. She folded her hands in front of her and smiled a little too sweetly. “My name is Catelyn. Who are  _ you _ ?”, she repeated. Brienne rolled her eyes but her heart was beating wildly out of her chest. The moment she had dreaded and yearned for equally for the past 10 years was now upon them.

Jaime visibly shook himself out of his reverie and blinked. His eyes betraying his considerable constraint.

“Hello Catelyn. I’m Jaime Lannister.”, his voice shook slightly. “Pleasure to meet you.” With that he held out his left hand to shake hers, but her eyes went immediately to his right arm and her face lit up like a summer’s day.

“Jaime Lannister? You’re the One-Handed Knight!!”, she almost screamed. 

Jaime’s eyebrows rose at that. 

“You saved King’s Landing from the Mad King and charged a dragon! A real life dragon!”, she said excitedly. 

Jaime turned briefly to Brienne, surprised. No Kingslayer? No Oathbreaker? 

“Well, I...has your mother been telling you stories?”, he smiled at her for the first time. 

“No, Momma doesn’t talk about you much, but I’ve read about you in the White Book and she tells me stories of all the great warriors she’s met. The Hound, Aegon Targaryn, Tormund Giantsbane, Berrick Dondarrion … Lord Hand Tyrion told me all about you! He said you saved him once when your own father had imprisoned him! You’re his brother!!”

“I am that.”, Jaime said softly.

“And you fought with my momma in the Long Night! Lord Hand Tyrion told me that too.”, she said proudly.

“I did indeed. She is one of the greatest warriors I’ve ever known.”, he looked to Brienne, a far away look in his eyes. Brienne blinked rapidly and looked down at her desk, shuffling the parchments unnecessarily.

“I’m going to be a great fighter one day too! Just like my mother.” Cat beamed and she brandished an imaginary sword and started to sweep around the room, fighting imaginary dragons.

“You will also be a lady, so please try to act like one, Catelyn.” Brienne said sternly, but a corner of her mouth turned up at the sight of her daughter parrying around the room, snarling at her opponent. She twirled one last time and came to stand again in front of Jaime. 

“Will you show me how you fight? Will you teach me to fight with my left arm?”

Jaime knelt down in front of her and then she was suddenly taller than he and had to look up into her eyes. 

“Tell me, Catelyn. How old are you?”

He heard Brienne take in a breath behind him but for now, all his concentration was on the young girl in front of him. The girl who looked so much like Brienne and Marcella both. 

“I’m 9, almost 10! Almost as old as Auntie Arya was when she got her first sword!”

Jaime could only nod knowingly as he looked into his daughter’s blue eyes. The love already swelling in his heart. For a moment, Cat got caught in the spell and could only stare back at him, confused at his intensity. 

Brienne cleared her throat and broke the spell. 

“Cat, you may now go down to the training yard and wait for me. I’ll finish the reports later. I’ll be right down.”

Cat looked at her mother, obviously wanting to stay and talk more with this famous knight. 

“Please.” Brienne said again but with conviction.

Cat’s face fell but said, “Yes Momma.”, as she moved to the door. At the last moment, she quickly turned back to Jaime and took his hand, pulling gently. The feel of her small hand in his large, calloused one nearly did him in. This hand that was both he and Brienne, wrapped inside his. The joy he felt was unsurpassed and it filled his heart in a way that nothing had, not for the last 10 years.

“You can come too! Will you watch me?”, her blue eyes danced at the thought of this noble knight watching her spar with her mother.

Jaime’s throat constricted with emotion and he had to swallow to clear it so he could answer this beautiful girl.

“There is nothing I would like more.”, was all he could manage to choke out as he squeezed her hand back.

Cat beamed at him and flew out the door, her running feet echoing down the hallway. For a moment, all Jaime could do was stare at the empty doorway, his breathing coming rapidly now as he tried to control the wave of emotion that threatened to take over him. 

He turned back to Brienne, damp accusation in his eyes. 

“You didn’t tell me.”

Brienne had already steeled herself for this, her chin rising just slightly to address him.

“And how was I suppose to do that? We didn’t hear from you for  _ two years _ ! I didn’t know where you were...I didn’t think you were ever coming back! I even thought at times that you might be dead!”

“Tyrion! He knew where I was. Eventually...”

“You left, Jaime! Without a thought for anyone else! Without a thought as to what we could have...you made your decision and I made mine!”

“She’s my  _ daughter _ !” His voice shook as he wiped tears from his eyes with his sleeve.

“She’s  _ my _ daughter! You just wanted to die, or don’t you remember?” 

The muscles in Jaime’s jaw clenched and unclenched as flashing green eyes stared at ice-cold blue. 

“Did you know...the day I left?”, he growled. 

Brienne’s voice softened. “I suspected. I didn’t know for sure.”

“Had I known…”

“Had you known...what would you have done? Could you have stayed and played the part of a doting father? You were in a very dark place, Jaime. Catelyn couldn’t be a part of that. You couldn’t be a part of her as you were.”

Jaime could only shake his head in disbelief.

“ _ You knew what this would mean to me. You knew! And Tyrion! How could you both? I had a daughter for the last 9 years and I had no idea! I had a right to know, Brienne! _ ” 

With that he turned and stalked out of the room.

Brienne let out the breath she had been holding in.  She felt cracks form in all the walls she carefully constructed over the last 10 years, the walls that had kept her and Cat safe and protected, the walls that had let her raise Cat as if Jaime didn’t exist. She  slumped down at her desk and put her head in her shaking hands as the walls come crashing down.

***

By the time Brienne made it down to the training yard, Cat had already enlisted Jaime as her sparring partner. Brienne didn’t know whether she should stay or not but as soon as Cat saw her, she called up to Brienne who was standing at the top of the stone stairs overlooking the yard.

“Watch me, Momma! Ser Jaime is going to teach me how to fight!”

“You already know how to fight, my love.”, she whispered to herself, but she smiled and waved and walked down the stairs, finding a seat on a low stone wall.

Jaime watched Brienne descend the stairs, a look in his eye she couldn’t quite place. Anger? Yes, definitely. Wariness, perhaps. But something warmer too. His mood lightened by Cat’s exuberance, he walked over to Brienne and held out his sword for her to take. 

“Would you?”, he asked.

“Of course.” 

He propped it up against the wall beside her and walked back to Cat where he chose the bluntest training sword he could find and faced her, grinning from ear to ear. 

Brienne folded her arms in front of her and her hand, hidden behind her arm, wound around the hilt of Widow’s Wail. The steel still warm from his hand. She sat and watched her girl thrust and pary with her father, the gentle cracking of their wooden swords competing with their laughter and her heart ached with it. She had dreamed and dreaded this day for so long. Hoping that it would never come yet secretly aching for it. She didn’t yet know his intentions but she would move heaven and earth to protect her daughter from hurt. And in the end, that’s all he had been to her. A large gaping wound that nothing seemed to heal. 

Cat ran to her and threw herself into Brienne’s arms. 

“Did you see me, Momma? Did you see how I fought with my left arm? Ser Jaime taught me!” Her hands clasped around Brienne’s neck, her faced flushed and her blue eyes shining up at her. 

“I certainly did, my darling. You were brilliant! A natural!” Brienne brushed her nose against Cat’s and Cat laughed. “But now is time for your studies.”

“Awh, Momma! Just a little more! Pleeeease!”, she begged as she looked back at Jaime for reinforcement. 

“Every good knight must take her studies seriously.” Jaime said as he reached for his sword. “Fighting is just as much up here…”, he pointed to his head, “...as it is here.”, and he laid his hand on his heart.

“Will you be here when I’m done?”

Jaime looked to Brienne before he replied. “Yes, I’ll be here.”

Cat grinned and ran across the yard to the library. Jaime and Brienne stood side by side watching her leave, the tension rising again between them.

“She’s wonderful, Brienne. Beautiful. She looks just like you.” 

She felt the tears welling up in her chest but she fought them back. When had she become so tearful? The day Cat came into her world. The day Jaime left it.

“Strange. The older she gets all I see is you.”

Jaime swallowed hard. It was still hard to believe she was really his. “Brienne, we need to talk…” He took a step towards her but she backed away. 

“Please don’t tell her. I’m not ready. I don’t think she’s ready. Promise me. Not now.” The steel was back in her voice. He looked into her eyes and saw a new strength there that had not been there before. The strength that comes with bearing and loving a child of your own. It ran deep, deeper than her oaths and her honour. He knew that feeling. The feeling that you would break all your vows to be with them. The feeling that you would give up anything to see them happy. The feeling that you would die for them if you had to. 

“I’m her father. She deserves to know.”

“I know that. But you can’t just reappear after 10 years and expect to claim what’s yours. You could have written. Told me you were coming. I deserve some time. So does she.”

They faced each other as they had done so many times before. Each time they had drawn their battle lines and found themselves on opposing sides. Each time a new wave of understanding had passed between them. Every time an unexpected kindness of one had touched the other. Every time they had said goodbye. 10 years of time between them, and yet none at all. 

“Alright. I’ll wait. I owe you that. I owe you so much more than that.”

Brienne nodded and he visibly saw the tension release from her. “Thank you, Jaime.”

“May I see her? Spend more time with her?”

Brienne smiled. “Do you think anything could stop her now that you’re here?”

He smiled and a wave of emotion washed over him. Brienne had been his captor and adversary, his friend, his confidant and inspiration, his battle partner and his lover. Now, she was the mother of his only living child. And after all this time, standing before him, beautiful and proud, he ached for her all over again. It would feel as natural as breathing to take her in his arms. It took all his strength not to. 

“It’s good to see you again, Brienne.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaime put his hand on the railing to steady himself and take a deep breath. He looked across the darkened city he hated, the one filled with ghosts, the one he had vowed never to return to. It represented the life he had wanted to leave behind, knowing he never really would. Because that same city held the woman he truly loved...and now his daughter. 
> 
> ________
> 
> Brienne and Jaime finally get to talk and there's FEELINGS. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy. :)

For the next while Jaime kept his distance. Brienne would catch glimpses of him across a courtyard or sitting and talking with Tyrion. If he had been angry at Tyrion for keeping her secret, it was now all was mended because they had never looked happier in each other’s company. However, when it came to Brienne, all she received was a few stiff smiles and a “Good morning, Ser Brienne”, as they passed each other in the hall one day. She supposed he was still angry at her and coming to terms with the fact that he now had a daughter. 

However, it still caught her off guard to see him roaming the hallways of the Red Keep. Each time she did, her heart would jolt in her chest and it annoyed her immensely that it bothered her at all. Even those in the Small Council would glance her way anytime his name was mentioned, only to have her blush and confirm their suspicions. Only a few days of having him in her world again and he was already back under her skin.

She didn’t know why he was keeping his distance from her, but she knew he was always close because Cat would not stop talking about him. 

“Did you know that Ser Jaime was Lord Commander before you?”, Cat asked her one night as Brienne tucked her into bed. 

“Yes, I know, sweetpea.”

“Did you know that he used to be the greatest swordsman in all of Westeros?”

Brienne grimaced. “Did  _ he _ tell you that?”, she asked Cat, shaking her head. 

“No, Maester Tarly told me.”

“Ah, well, I guess he was. At one time.”  _ Or maybe people just like to overpraise a famous name.  _ Brienne smiled to herself at the memory. 

“Did you know that he was a _ traitor _ when he fought with you in the Long Night?”

“Yes, I did know that. Did Maester Tarly tell you that too?”

“Yes. Momma, what’s a traitor?”

“Hmmm...it’s when you defy the orders of your King. Or Queen.”

“Oh. That’s bad then. But he did that to help you, right?” Cat could not think of Jaime as anything more than a honourable knight. After he had left King’s Landing, Brienne added Jaime’s great deeds into the Book of Brothers, as was her duty. She hadn’t embellished them, just stated the facts, and at the end, he had come out as noble as any great knight that had come before him. If only he could have seen himself the way she did. Cat had spent hours pouring over that book. She saw Jaime as a hero of Westeros. As she did.

“Yes, he did. He did that to help all of Westeros.” 

“Was he in trouble for that? Did he get whipped or put in jail?”

“No, he didn’t.”

“Because his sister was Queen, right momma? And you can’t put your  _ brother _ in jail, even if you’re Queen. But wait! Why would he defy the orders of his sister…?”

Brienne stopped Catelyn before she got too ahead of herself. 

“Well, my love, actually you can, even if you’re Queen, especially if you’re a Queen. But that’s a longer story than we have time for tonight, alright?”

Brienne kissed Cat’s forehead and turned to leave. 

“Momma? Is Ser Jaime your friend?”

“Yes, of course he is.”

“Like Ser Pod is your friend? Or like my father was?”

Cat’s question seemed innocent enough but she knew her daughter and she had an intuition that went far beyond her years. Brienne didn’t quite know what to say. Cat hadn’t mentioned her father in such a long time that she had been wondering if she had even remembered what Brienne had told her about him. Obviously she had. 

“Ser Jaime was...my closest friend. But that was a very long time ago. Now...sleep!” She blew her a kiss and closed the door behind her before she could ask anymore revealing questions. 

She sat down at her desk and closed her eyes, letting the darkness soothe her. She guessed it made sense, having someone like Jaime doting on her. It was bound to bring up questions of her father and his absence. Things were getting tricky and they would either have to come up with a story, or...tell her the truth. But not now. Not yet. 

She lit another candle, set it close and absorbed herself into her work. 

A while later, when her eyes had grown tired and strained from the dim light, there was a quiet knock at her door. 

“Come!”, she said without looking up. The door opened to Jaime, a pitcher of what she assumed was wine, and two cups tucked under his arm. 

She looked up in surprise, and the memory of that night came flooding back, along with the pink in her cheeks. Was this a joke on his part? If it was, it was a cruel one, but there was no mockery in his eyes.

“No.”, she said, shaking her head.

“You’ve been avoiding me for too long, Brienne. It’s time we talk.” At her look of wariness, he added. “Just to talk. I promise. Knight’s honour.” He held his bare right arm to his heart. 

She had never seen him without his golden hand and now without his hook. It had once been a source of embarrassment to him, but now he looked relaxed without either. It didn’t go unnoticed by Brienne. 

“Avoiding _ you _ ? I’ve done no such thing. I’m busy, if you haven’t noticed.”

“Oh, I’ve noticed.”

“As former Lord Commander, I thought you might understand that work never ends. Honestly, did you do this much of this?”, she said, holding up the stack of parchment on her desk. “I never saw you write in this book. Not once!”

“That’s because I never did. Perhaps I didn’t take it as seriously as you. In fact, there’s not much that I took more seriously than you.”, he teased.

“I could think of a few things.”, she said, not lifting her head from her writing and just loud enough for Jaime to hear. The smile momentarily fell from his face. “So, what do we have to talk about?”

“Let’s see.” He settled himself into a chair by the fire and poured himself a cup of wine. “ The state of democracy in Westeros?” She looked up into his once again smirking face, raised an eyebrow and looked back down at her work. 

“Do you ever stop working?” 

“No. It keeps me sane.”

“So you enjoy it.”

“This? Gods no. The position, though?”, she looked up and thought for a moment. “I do, immensely, it’s truly an honour. But there are many days I’d rather be out there in the field. I miss my days with Pod.”

“The first female knight, the first female Lord Commander and definitely the first with a child. You’ve broken a lot of virgin ground, Brienne.”

Brienne looked up quickly at that, angry at his joke. Jaime had the humility to look ashamed.

“Hells, Brienne, that’s not what I meant.”

Brienne sighed deeply and accepted the apology. It had been too long for her to be bothered by “maiden” jokes any longer. And besides, he knew better than anyone that she was maiden-no-more. 

“Yes, there have been a lot of changes with King Brandon. But it’s come at a price.”

“How so?”, his eyes never left Brienne as he took a sip of wine.

Briene leaned back in her chair. “Westeros has been mostly peaceful since I became Lord Commander. Just small squirmishes that were easily dealt with. I stand by his side during visits and ceremonies but were there to be any trouble, if I were every called to defend my King with my body and life, I would have to take a step back and let one of the other cloaks step into my place. So, I hold the title but not all the duty. My duty is here, at this desk. And in the training yard. I do push my cloaks hard in the training yard.”

“I would expect nothing less from you.”, he smiled. “And that’s for Cat.”

“Yes. A decision I make without reserve, of course.”

“But you miss it.”

Her brows knit together. “Terribly.” It was so easy to talk to him, it always had been, but he was now touching on a sensitive subject with her and she didn’t want to let it go any further. 

“So, now that you know where  _ I’ve _ been for the last 10 years, why don’t you tell me where  _ you’ve _ been?”

“Ah. Well, that could take a little more time. Please, come sit with me?”, his eyes begged her.

She sighed, put her quill in the ink pot and rubbed her eyes. She stood and poured a cup of wine and sat down with Jaime by the fire, all the while his eyes followed her every move. 

She still moved like a warrior, graceful and alert, but where there had been a young and rough exterior before, there was a softness about her now that was new. As if time had worn smooth all the rough edges. Was it motherhood, he wondered? Motherhood surely hadn’t worn Cersei’s edges. In fact, it had made them all the more sharp. 

Brienne’s hair had grown, just slightly. Where she used to have it pulled back fiercely, it fell now in short waves around her face that she tucked behind her ear in an endearing way. Where he felt that the last 10 years wore on him ungracefully, age seemed to have eluded her. Her eyes were still the bluest he’d seen, and as wary as they were, looking at him now, there was a kindness there too that he remembered. 

It was strange how much he only now realized the weight he had carried for years, because being here with her once more, it seemed to lift and he could breathe again. She unknowingly pulled him to her, as she had always done, like waves to a beach. It had always been that way with them. And as she sat in the chair across from him, nervously sipping and staring at him from over the top of her cup, he realized nothing had changed. 

He smiled at her, trying to keep his thoughts from straying too far, and looked down at his right arm.

“I lost the gold hand in the Red Waste.”

“The Red Waste? You went as far as that?” Her eyes widened in surprise. He had always loved doing that, surprising her, just to see those big blue eyes on him. 

“Farther. I traveled as far as I could away from here. To Slaver’s Bay, to Yunkai and beyond. Through the Red Waste and beyond.”

“But...there’s no maps beyond the Red Waste.”

“No, there isn’t.  _ There be dragons! _ ”, he chuckled. “I figured I’d already faced down a dragon and lived to tell the tale. Whatever was facing me beyond the border of the unknown couldn’t kill me. And if it did...all the better.”

Brienne’s face fell. That last night came back to her in vivid detail...Jaime grieving his sister had been a sight that had haunted her ever since. She imagined him alone and lost in a terrible sea of red, wanting to die. 

“What happened there?”, she asked hesitantly.

“Without a map? I got lost!”, he laughed. “And nearly died. I thought I had enough provisions but I guess in my state, I seriously underestimated how unhospitable the land was. A tribe of Qaathi found me and cared for me until I was able to ride out again. But...I stayed for a time.”

Brienne must have looked aghast because he smiled at her and took a sip of wine. 

“Don’t feel bad for me, Brienne. I did it to myself. I had to do...something.”

“That’s why we didn’t hear from you for so long.”

“Yes, there are no ravens where I was. No travelers. No way to get word back. But, I didn’t want to contact anyone either. I wanted to hide. Disappear. I didn’t want Jaime Lannister to exist anymore.” Jaime sat forward in his seat, looking down at his feet. “You were right, Brienne. I was in a very dark place.” 

Brienne just held her breath, stunned. If she had known where Jaime was, she wondered what she would have done to bring him home. All these years she imagined him somewhere in Westeros, hidden away but safe...living in a fishing village in the Eyrie, perhaps south in Dorne, at the edge of the Summer Sea. Certainly not north. She even wondered if he had gone back to Casterly Rock where he and Cersei had been the happiest. At least he would have had family to care for him, although if he had, she would have eventually heard that he was there. But to be so far away, alone and in misery...

“I wouldn’t either, if you hadn’t stopped me.”, he looked up at her. “I couldn’t bare the look in your eyes, Brienne...your disappointment in me…”

“My opinion of you was never of any consequence.”

He looked at her, confused. “But it was...”

“No.”, she cut him off firmly. “You left Winterfell without even intending to say goodbye. I pleaded with you, Jaime, and it fell on deaf ears. Nothing I felt or said could have changed your mind. You left King’s Landing with only a note. Don’t say that my feelings of disappointment had anything to do with your decisions!”

Brienne felt the anger of that night twist in her belly. She had ignored it, hoping to forget how it had sunk into her, seeping into her every pore and tainting her, changing her. She had wanted to understand why he left, and she knew at some higher level that she did, but...he had hurt her in a way that no one else had. And, as much as she still loved him... _ damn him! _ ... she had never found a way to forgive him. 

She stood and walked to the balcony, suddenly wanting to be as far away from him as she could. Hoping she would hear him walk out the door. She breathed in the cool night air over and over and felt it sink into her heated skin. It stilled her brain and soothed the turmoil inside her until she felt his presence behind her, so close she heard him breathe, trying to summon his words. So close she could smell his skin. She closed her eyes and she was back in Winterfell, in her room, in her bed. Her skin ached for him. It had for the last 10 years. So close, but he didn’t touch her. 

“Don’t you know, Brienne?”, he said quietly. “Your opinion of me, more than  _ anyone _ else, has  _ always _ been what’s mattered. I have battled with it for so long. Since that...bloody duel on the bridge where you bested me! Since then, I have always tried to do what you would have had me do. And failed miserably. It’s what brought me to Winterfell, and ultimately drove me from you in the end. Twice.” He sighed heavily and put his hand on her arm to gently turn her around to face him.

“I sat in that chair all night, thinking, and I knew by morning that the only decision I had was to stay and fall apart and have you watch me do it, or find another life and free us both, no matter the cost. You were right, I made my decision.”

“Jaime…” Brienne felt stunned at his words. “You’re wrong.”, she whispered and once again swallowed all the hurt and anger. “There was  _ never _ disappointment. You were grieving the woman you loved.”

Jaime put his hand on the railing to steady himself and take a deep breath. He looked across the darkened city he hated, the one filled with ghosts, the one he had vowed never to return to. It represented the life he had wanted to leave behind, knowing he never really would. Because that same city held the woman he truly loved...and now his daughter. 

“And you made your decision.”

“Yes. How could I not want her? She’s all I had...left.” 

She had been hurting too...through all the years she mothered their daughter without him, she had bore the pain of his leaving, twice. He knew coming back that he would have to relive his past and feel the weight of his history here. He knew now he could carry it. What he hadn’t counted on was realizing how much of his own history she had carried all these years as well. He was their daughter’s father. By bearing his child, she had chosen to carry him with her too and all his history as well. Just as Catelyn would have to carry it.

The words he longed to say, stuck in his throat. He had never been able to voice his feelings outright. Cersei had always known his devotion to her, in fact, had demanded it. There was no need for confessions of love. She had known it and expected it. But in Winterfell, how many times had he tried to say what was on his heart, only to look into her guarded blue eyes and have his voice fail him. He had hoped she had known what was on his heart, but Brienne had been different. Hurt too many times to expect love or recognize it when it faced her. And he, of all people, had proven to her that he had been the worst of them. Taking what no one had and leaving her without a word. 

Shame washed over him, the kind of shame he had lived with for so long, the kind of shame that had shaped him into the man he had become, the kind of shame that had driven him from her on that cold dark night. He had to fight against it. He knew he wasn’t that man anymore. He could do better and he would. Just not now. It was too soon. 

“Tell me about her.”

“You haven’t finished your story.”

“I will, I promise. I’m tired of talking about myself. I want to hear about you. And Catelyn.” He turned to face her, trying to lighten the air around them. “I have to admit, I wasn’t overly fond of Catelyn Stark but she is a worthy namesake.”

Brienne smiled, acknowledging the history between Jaime and her former Lady. She had to admit, she had named her Catelyn partly to honour her memory and partly to get under Jaime’s skin, if he had ever found out about her. 

“What would you like to know?”

“Everything. What was she like when she was younger?” 

Brienne’s face softened and her eyes held a far away look, letting those memories wash over her. The wind caught her hair and blew it into her face and she once again tucked it behind her ear. 

“Not easy. She has always had so much spirit, right from the start. She sat a horse at three and you could not get her down from it. She would fall again and again and begged to be put right back on until she mastered it.” She shook her head as a memory surfaced that she hadn’t thought about for a while. “She once climbed a tree and refused to get down until I got her a dog. 

“A dog?”

“Yes. She wanted one for her nameday and I got her a dress instead. She was  _ so _ angry with me. She climbed a tree and would not get down, no matter what I said, no matter what I threatened her with.”

“How old was she?”

“It was her 5th nameday.”

“She was 5? How long did she stay up there?”

“6 hours.”

“What?”, Jaime gasped. “6 hours? Why didn’t you go up there and pull her down?”

“It was a very, tall, tree!”

Jaime looked at her incredulously. “So what did you do?”

“I went to find a dog! What else could I do?”

“What, you just went and...found a dog?”

“The very first mutt I could find. It took me a while to catch it though.”

Jaime burst out laughing at the thought of Brienne running down the alleyways of Flea Bottom, chasing a mangy mutt for the sake of her daughter.

“And you left Cat in a tree by herself?”

“No, of course not! Pod stayed with her!”

“So, for 6 hours, she stayed in a tree? Didn’t she get tired or...or hungry?”

“Of course she did! Pod brought her a sandwich.”

“He did. And how did he get it to her? Did he climb the tree?”

“Of course not. Like I said, it was a very tall tree. She came down for it.”

“What?”, Jamie was shaking his head. “She came down for a sandwich and Pod didn’t catch her?”

“She’s  _ very _ fast.”

“Seven hells…”, he breathed. “What kind of knight is he?” Jaime didn’t know whether to laugh out loud or suggest she find another knight to replace him. How was he suppose to protect a king when he couldn’t catch a small child? “So, you found a dog...and she came down?”

“I did. Drogon, she called him. She loves her dragon stories. It was a smelly, nasty beast but she adored him from the first sight. He loved her too. He slept in her bed every night and followed her everywhere. He was fed the best of the meats. She would steal steaks and bones from the kitchen for him. He was absolutely spoiled, but he was an old dog by the time I had found him and he died two years later. She was completely devastated.” Brienne shook herself out of the memory. “She now has been begging me for her own sword.”

“And why not get her one? Weren’t you fighting from a young age?”

“It’s one thing to swing a sword yourself, it’s another to put a deadly weapon into your daughter’s hands.”

“Then she must be taught. And I happen to know a great teacher.”, Jaime smirked with raised eyebrows.

Brienne blushed in the dark. “I don’t think I have any choice in the matter. I’ve already started to train with her.”

“Well...I was actually talking about  _ me _ , but…”, Brienne smacked him on the arm as he laughed and held his arms up in surrender. “I’m kidding! Seven hells, your lack of humour hasn’t changed a bit. Go on, tell me more.”

Brienne shook her head and couldn’t quite hide her smile. She found that she loved telling Jaime about his daughter. How many times had she had this same conversation with him in her head?

“She’s stubborn and so willful! She can drive me insane some days. But so inquisitive and intuitive. She knew her mind early and she would not budge from what she believed to be true. Even if I could contradict it. She still doesn’t.”

“Just like her mother.”, Jaime said fondly. Brienne ignored the soft look he gave her.

“And yet, as my father likes to say, she can charm the birds out of trees. Just like her father.”, Brienne darted a glance at Jaime. 

Jaime smiled at that, his heart filling with a mixture of love and pain from missing all those years with her.

“What have you told her...of me? Of her father?”

Brienne’s face grew serious again. “I told her the truth. I said that her father had lost someone very important to him in the war. That he had been devastated and that it hurt him too much to stay here where it happened, and so he had to go away to be happy again.”

How succinctly she had put it. Of course she had known why he had left all those years ago. It was stupid of him to think he had to explain it to her. Did she know it was never because he didn’t love her?

“Does she think that I left her, knowing she existed?”

“No, she knows that you knew nothing of her. I’ve taken all the blame for that, Jaime. I wouldn’t do that to her. Or to you.”

Jaime nodded, contemplating. Of course she would. As angry as he still was, he knew that Brienne would never do anything selfish or cruel. She had her reasons. 

“Tyrion is quite fond of her.”

“Yes. He is. He’s been a wonderful uncle to her, although she doesn’t know he is. Tyrion respected my wishes, as much as he wanted to tell you himself.”

That hurt more than Jaime cared to admit. Tyrion had listened to him as he ranted to him that first day, barging into his quarters with a, “How could you have kept this from me??” Tyrion had simply stated, “It wasn’t my secret to tell, brother.” 

He walked back into the room, poured himself another cup of wine and took a long drink, hoping to wash away the feelings. He didn’t want to be angry at Brienne, he understood why she did what she did, but it hurt all the same.

“I’m sorry, Jaime.”

“Ten years, Brienne…”

He turned back to face her. She looked so sad and lost at that moment. All he wanted to do was walk to her and pull her into his arms. How can so many opposing feelings live in your body at once, he wondered?

She leaned against the doorway, her fingers twined together in front of her, her eyes pleading with him to understand. 

“I...told myself that you knew. That somehow you must have found out. The new Lord Commander, a woman, and with a child? That kind of news had to have found its way to you, wherever you were, and that you chose not to come back.”

“I didn’t hear.”, his voice was ragged now. “I would have come back.”

“I didn’t want you to...not like that...not out of...duty, out of a misplaced sense of loyalty.” 

“Misplaced?”

“It’s what you do, Jaime. It’s what you’ve always done. You have always sacrificed yourself for what you thought you needed to do. I didn’t want that for you anymore.”

“You didn’t think I’d want my own daughter?”

“I didn’t know what you wanted anymore! Except to have Cersei back!” 

Memories of that fateful night flooded her mind and once again, they were in Winterfell’s courtyard, fear coursing through her body at the thought of Jaime leaving to die in the destruction of King’s Landing. With all her heart she had wanted to hold on to him, to hold him at the point of her sword until he believed that he was a good man and didn’t deserve to die with his evil twin. They were NOT one of the same. He could be free of her! Instead, she had let him go, devastated at the fate he thought he deserved. 

Jaime saw the play of emotions of her face and he knew she was reliving the worst decision he had ever made. More than anything he longed to tell her exactly what he wanted, but he had promised himself he would take time. Explain himself to her. Give her time to see if it’s what she still wanted as well. He walked to where she stood and gently pulled her hands apart, wrapping one into his. He could feel her trembling.

“It’s late, Jaime.”

He nodded and looked into her blue eyes, searching for his answer, but the shutters had come and and the walls had come up. He saw only fear. He had hurt her, and she was not going to allow him to do it again.

“Yes it is. Can we talk again tomorrow?”

She just nodded. He brought her hand to his lips and kissed her fingers. 

“Until then. Goodnight, Brienne.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Talking to Brienne again was like a dance. Moving together and pulling apart. Circling each other, ever watchful of their positions. He would allow her this dance. For now.
> 
> *****
> 
> My apologies for the long wait. It's been a busy few months but this story has been dancing around in my head the entire time and I will finish it! Promise.
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

Jaime was waiting for Brienne in the garden the next day, just after the evening meal. Cat had delivered a note to her earlier that day with a  mischievous grin. 

“Ser Jaime wants to see you!”, she told her mother in a sing-songy voice. Brienne raised her eyebrows and rolled her eyes to great effect. Cat laughed out loud at teasing her mother successfully.

“And what does Ser Jaime say he wants? I’m sure you’ve already read the note, hmmm?” Her tone was light and unconcerned, but her heart was pounding in her chest.  _ Don’t you know, Brienne? Your opinion of me, more than anyone else, has always been what’s mattered.  _ His words had kept her from getting a full night’s sleep, much to her chagrin. 

“He wants a  _ private _ meeting in the gardens!”, she giggled. “_Ooooooo!_” 

“Give that to me, you little monster.”, she smiled and grabbed the note away from Cat as she circled her mother, trying to grab the note back. 

_ Brienne, _

_ Allow me to finish my story tonight? _

_ In the gardens after the last meal.  _

_ I’ll wait for you there.  _

_ Jaime _

“What story is he telling you, momma? Why isn’t he telling  _ me _ his story? Can I come too?  _ Please! _ ”

Brienne crouched down to talk to Cat, woman to woman. 

“I’m sorry, my darling. But not tonight. He’s only telling me where he’s been all this time. Just friends catching up. That’s all. I’m sure he’ll tell you all his adventures too. Just not today. You have your astronomy lessons tonight, do you remember?” 

“ _ Yessss. _ ”, Cat said with anguish in her voice. “But they could wait, couldn’t they? I want to be with you and Ser Jaime.”

“And you will. We’ll take you riding one day soon. How about that?”

“Promise it’ll be soon?” The desperation in her voice tugged at Brienne’s heart. Cat so wanted a father in her life. A whole family. As much as Brienne had wanted to be everything she needed, she knew Cat had longed for this most of all. 

“I promise, my love.” She pulled Cat into a tight embrace and kissed her forehead.  _ Soon, my darling. Soon. I promise. _

***

Jaime was pacing a path, arms behind his back, from the bougainvillea bushes to the rose garden and back. Brienne stopped to watch him from the safety of the garden doorway. The sight of him still brought back a flood of memories. That old familiar ache that grew in her chest every time he was near. 

She remembered when he arrived in Winterfell, dressed in commoners garb, bearded and disheveled, she thought perhaps he had never looked more beautiful to her. She had been standing on the balcony, overlooking the courtyard when he was led into the keep with a handful of Stark men and Bran, who had been waiting for him. At the last moment, as if he could sense her, he had looked up and smiled brilliantly at her stunned face. She knew then that she would have done anything for him. He now had the same look of vulnerability that he had that day. Would she still do anything for him? Allow him back into her life? Into Cat’s life? Could she ever trust him again?

With a sigh, she walked into the gardens. 

“Ser Jaime.” 

He turned and his demeanor instantly changed from pensive to radiant. 

“Ser Brienne. I’m glad you came.”

“I suppose I had to if I want to hear the rest of your story.”

“Have you intrigued, do I?” Brienne tipped her head, exasperated with his teasing tone. 

“Don’t push it. I’m here, aren’t I?” Jaime just grinned at her.

“You are. And I thank you. I thought we might take a walk, perhaps to the Dragon Pit. Will you come?”

Brienne looked apprehensively at Jaime and back towards the keep. Jaime read her mind. 

“I will have you back to Cat before sunset. I promise.” 

Brienne sighed and felt herself giving in to his persistence. 

“Alright then, lead on, Ser.”, she said and she fell into step beside him. 

***

They walked through King’s Landing, talking of small inconsequential things that eventually led back to the subject of Catelyn. Jaime asked her for more stories of when she was younger, and Brienne obliged, secretly loving every moment she was able to tell Jaime about her. 

The evening sun was just beginning to wane as they approached the stone arch of the Dragon Pit and entered into the empty arena. It was perfectly still except for the sound of the wind and birds in the trees beyond the walls. A few years ago King Bran had ordered the Dragon Pit repaired...walls, steps and benches had been restoned and the arena was now used for celebrations and events. All that remained of that fateful meeting 10 years ago was the wide platform they had gathered on. 

Jaime walked ahead of Brienne, up the stairs and circled the platform. He stopped approximately where his chair had sat. Looking at the ground beside him where Cersei had been. Brienne saw him take a deep breath and looked up at her. 

“I was scared that day.”

“Scared of that...thing? I think we all were.”

“No...well, yes, of course. But I was more scared of...the way she looked at you. She wanted to hurt you. Because of me.”

“I wasn’t scared of her.”, Brienne’s voice hardened slightly and her chin raised defiantly. “She could try what she liked. I was scared of what she was doing to  _ you _ .”

“And I knew it, Brienne. I knew it. And I followed her orders anyway.”

“Your loyalty runs deep, Jaime.”

“Fuck loyalty!”, he yelled into the empty space as his voice echoed back. He turned to Brienne. “Isn’t that what you said to me?”, he laughed.

“I did.”, she smiled. “And you did the right thing. You rode straight to Winterfell.”

“For you. I did it for you. You do know that, right?”

She flushed and looked down at her feet. “I didn’t know for sure.”

“Well, I did. And then...like an idiot...I rode right back to her.”

She looked back up at him. “You had no choice, Jamie. That I do know.”

He walked down the steps to her and brought his hand up to cup her cheek.

“I did have a choice. And I have regretted that day ever since.”, he whispered urgently. He needed her to know that, no matter what the future held for them.

Silence fell. He could see how much she was conflicted. Whatever she still felt for him, she was fighting it and he knew he needed to win this war. 

Brienne moved away from him and his hand fell to his side. She walked to the edge of the arena and sat down, motioning for him to join her.

“Tell me the rest of your story. When you left the Red Waste, what then?” 

Jaime settled himself beside her and rested his hand on Widow’s Wail. 

“Well, it took some time but eventually I ended up in Qohor. I sold my sword for a while until I realized that was the quickest way to get recognized. People started to talk of the one-handed man with the Valyrian sword. And so...I took to forging and hid my identity behind the trade.”

“You were a blacksmith?”, Brienne looked at him incredulously. ”But...how?”

“I was. And amazingly enough, I found I had some skill in it after I acquired this.”, he laughed lifting the hook. “It’s amazing how useful it was compared to that bloody awful hand.” He turned his right arm showing off the dexterity of the implement. “It was honest work. Dirty work, not something that I was used to, but there was an art to it that I quite enjoyed. Who better than a soldier to know what armour is needed in battle? I befriended the owner, Kalem, a good man. One day he took me aside and asked if I wanted to see how they make Valyrian swords. It’s a well kept secret amoung the Qohorik, wrapped in mystery.” Jaime swiped his hand through the air, as if casting a spell.

“It’s said that it takes blood magic.”

“That is what they say, yes. I don’t know about blood magic, but it’s nearly impossible to find Valyrian steel these days. I know, I’ve looked. No wonder they are so highly prized.” 

Brienne’s hand went to Oathkeeper, pulled it from its sheath and looked at it carefully with new eyes. It gleamed just as brightly as it had the day he gave it to her. Jaime pulled Widow’s Wail and put it side by side with Oathkeeper.

“Obviously my father’s amoury made these but the steel is the best I’ve seen...with my amateur’s eyes.”, Jaime said. She felt his breath on her neck. 

“Truly a priceless gift.“ She looked into his green eyes, both remembering the moment. His eyes flicked down to her lips and back up, a question in them that she was not about to answer. 

Nervously, she slid Oathkeeper into its sheath and stood, walking the distance to the platform and sat on the edge, turning back to him. 

Jaime watched Brienne move away from him. He knew she was keeping herself tightly hidden behind those walls of hers. Walls he had only seen come down once. Walls he had breached and then abandoned, just as he had done for Cersei time and time again. He wouldn’t do that again. He stood and walked to her, sliding his sword back into its sheath and casually paced the ground in front of her as he continued his story.

“Tyrion came to see me after my first letter.” 

“I know. He went on a long trip after he received it, I assumed that’s where he went but he never said a word about it.”

“Well, you did tell him not to.”, Jaime challenged her.

“I did, yes.” She looked down at her hands clenching the wooden boards on either side of her.

“You have more restraint than I do. I asked about you all the time.”

She looked up at him in surprise.

“He never told me that either.”

“Leave it to Tyrion to demonstrate discretion at the most inopportune times. I asked him if you were happy. He said yes. It was as simple as that. I took that as a sign that I should stay away.” He watched her carefully for her reaction.

Brienne’s heart was pounding in her chest. She had known he was lost but there was a part of her that had wondered if at some point, someday, when he was happier, if he might come back. She had been so sure he cared for her in Winterfell. He had told her he wouldn’t go back to King’s Landing after the war, that he would stay with her. She had never been happier in her life. But he did leave, he had been compelled, pulled by Cersei’s power over him. And then to leave again for so long...she had come to believe that it hadn’t been real. Whatever he had felt for her was snuffed out with Cersei’s death. It had died along with his sister and he needed to be free from them both.

But now...what was she to believe? He had stayed away, not because his feelings for her had died, but because he believed she was happier without him? Did he not know how long she had mourned him?

“Were you? Happy?”, he urged.

She lifted her chin slightly, still not willing to let him see her pain. “I was. Mostly.” She couldn’t help but see his face fall just a bit. “Weren’t you? After a time?”

“I found a kind of happiness, yes.” He came to sit down beside her again. “I lost more than my hand in the Red Waste. I lost...Cersei.”

Her name hung in the air like a spectre.

“Olenna once said she was poison, that she would be the end of me, right before I made an end of her. In Cersei’s name.” He looked down, his jaw rigid with anger.

“You said you’d do it all again.” 

He looked up at her sharply. “ _ I wouldn’t _ . At least, not for her. Olenna was right. Cersei  _ was  _ poison. My father was poison. I loved them, I truly did, but it was a twisted love. I know that now. And as I lay dying in that desert...I don’t know how to explain it...it’s like all that poison left my body, just as my life was slowly leaving me. Maybe that’s the way it is, when you’re dying. It’s a purification of sorts.”

“Except you didn’t die.”, she said softly.

“No. I didn’t. I no longer wanted to die. I wanted to live.”

Brienne revealed a hint of a smile. “I’m glad, Jaime.”

“As am I.”

Silence fell between them as they gazed at each other. There was an understanding that wasn’t there before. Brienne’s shyness broke the tension as she cleared her throat.

“You built a life for yourself there. In Qohor.  Why did you come back?”

Jaime smiled, the moment gone. Talking to Brienne again was like a dance. Moving together and pulling apart. Circling each other, ever watchful of their positions. He would allow her this dance. For now. He sighed and continued. 

“As you know, Qohor is a huge trading center. It’s a gateway to the Dothraki sea and it’s forges are equal to none. I was given a good position in the forging business. I made connections with suppliers for the materials needed, and eventually became a business partner with Kalem. It was good work and I traveled all over Essos. It kept me busy. I finally felt useful, doing something other than fighting to gain more power and control for my family. It was mine and only mine.”

“Weren’t you lonely?”, she asked. Jaime smiled.

“Some of the time, yes.”, he admitted. “Kalem and I grew close. He had no family, no children or wife. I guess I became like a son to him and him, a father to me. It was difficult when he died.”

Jaime paused and remembered the day that one of their errand boys had come rushing to the docks to tell him. The old man had dropped to the ground clutching his chest, right in the middle of his breakfast and had died instantly. It was his heart. It had never been strong. Jaime remembered feeling more grief that day than he ever had for his own father. 

He looked up and smiled reassuringly at Brienne. “He left his entire business to me and for the next few years, it’s all I did, try to keep it afloat. For him. It was a challenge but one I accepted gratefully. And I did well. I had a good life. Good enough, anyway.”

Brienne just nodded, contemplating the life he had built for himself out of hard work and a learned skill and the relationships he had forged. It didn’t sound like the Jaime she knew at all. As much as she recognized the man sitting beside her, he had become something else in the time he had been away. Something new. Something more. A warmness grew in her chest. 

“There were other friends and acquaintances, mostly met through business. But there was never anyone else in my life, Brienne. Not that I wasn’t given the chance. But there wasn’t.” He looked up into her eyes, knowing the question she had been trying to ask.

“Not my concern.”, she said lightly, brushing a speck of dust off her leggings. 

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”, she said resolutely. “Positive.”

He watched her face closely, a face desperately trying to hold in its secrets.

“And what about you?”

“Me?”, she asked in surprise, her eyes widening.

“Why is that so surprising?”

“Well...because…”, she looked away, flustered. “I had Cat to care for and...it’s...just a silly question to ask!”

“I don’t think it’s silly at all. Did Tormund ever…”

“No!”, she blushed and he breathed a sigh of relief. Just the mention of his name made his skin prickle with jealousy. He had imagined that as soon as he had left Westeros, Tormund might have run back to his  _ big woman _ and demanded her hand. The thought of that had burned in him all this time. 

Desperate to change the subject, Brienne stood and looked around at the arena. 

“Do you know what’s happening in 8 days time?”

“Yes.” Jaime said. “A celebration. 10 years of King Bran’s rule. Tyrion’s informed me.”

“Yes. And an evening of remembrance before that. Queen Sansa and Lady Arya will be arriving from Winterfell and lords of all the great houses. Is that what you came back for?”, she asked him squarely.

“No, I didn’t. I only found out the day I arrived back.”

“The memorial the night before is being held for the victims of the fall of King’s Landing.”

“Yes, I know.”

“Will you be there?”

Jaime stood up and walked to Brienne. The sun was setting and twilight was approaching. Shadows had been growing along the floor of the arena as they had talked. He stood close enough to feel his breath on her face and she felt that familiar pull towards him.

“Tyrion has asked me to stand with him. So, yes, I’ll be there.” His voice was just a whisper in the falling darkness. “Brienne, I might still mourn her passing but I’m not in love with her anymore. I haven’t been for a very long time.”

Brienne nodded, knowing that it would still be a difficult moment for him, grieving her again. She wondered how much of Cersei he had truly lost in the Red Waste. 

“I should get back. Cat will be waiting for me.”, she said quickly and turned on her heels. 

“Of course.” 

With a heavy heart he watched her walk away from him and when she turned to see if he was following, he caught up quickly and they walked back through the arches together and up the road to the Red Keep.

  
_ Another time _ , he thought to himself.  _ We have time. _


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The dark gave way to light as faces lit up and Brienne looked past her torch to see Jaime gazing up at the great figure of a lion before him. His face was somber and she could see him remembering her. Sadness washed over her followed by anger at herself for expecting anything else from him. Isn’t that what they were all here for? To remember? It wasn’t her place to wish that he would forget. What had he said to her? "I might still mourn her passing but I’m not in love with her anymore." Let him remember! Let him grieve! And regardless of what he said, let him still be in love with her. She knew that he always would be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My sincerest apologies for not continuing this sooner! There's nothing worse than an unfinished story. Now that we have all this time on our hands, I managed to get this chapter out of my head and into words, and hope to do the same with the next soon.
> 
> I hope you enjoy. As always, I love your kudos and comments.  
Thank you for giving me an outlet for these two. They continue to live on. <3

It was a cloudless night when they all gathered. Those that had come to witness the ceremony stood on the bank above Blackwater Bay as the lords and ladies of all the great houses of Westeros gathered on the beach below. Looming above those on the beach stood great woven willow effigies of their house sigils...a sun and spear, a fox, a stag, a lion, a kraken, a fish, a falcon, a direwolf … and a dragon. 

They stood in the near dark forming two lines on either side of each effigy, all except for the dragon, which stood alone. Jon remained with his family, the Starks, before the great direwolf, but Bran had insisted that a dragon be present in his honour.

Brienne stood across from Gendry, the stag of the Baratheons between them. Beside them, Jaime stood with Tyrion before the lion of the Lannister house. Each held an unlit torch as King Bran said a few words about how the destruction of Kings Landing would never be forgotten, just as the lives lost that day would never be forgotten. The torches of the Martells, who stood at one end, were lit and the fire passed down from house to house until Tyrion walked to Brienne and touched his lit torch to hers and Jamie passed his along to Gendry. 

The dark gave way to light as faces lit up and Brienne looked past her torch to see Jaime gazing up at the great figure of a lion before him. His face was somber and she could see him remembering  _ her _ . Sadness washed over her followed by anger at herself for expecting anything else from him. Isn’t that what they were all here for? To remember? It wasn’t her place to wish that he would forget. What had he said to her?  _ I might still mourn her passing but I’m not in love with her anymore. _ Let him remember! Let him grieve! And regardless of what he said, let him still be in love with her. She knew that he always would be. 

Brienne turned her eyes away from him as each effigy was lit, first the sun and spear, then the fox that Bronn had adopted as his house sigil, then both she and Gendry stepped forward and lit the stag. The dried willow branches grabbed the fire, and crackling, it spread quickly up the torso to the head and up to the antlers that soared above them until it was completely consumed in flame. Tyrion and Jaime did the same as the great mane of the lion seemed to shake, coming alive with fire. 

At the far end of the beach, the Starks, with Arya pushing Bran’s chair, held out their torches as the great direwolf of the North caught and lit up. It’s only then that Jon, holding his torch, walked over to the dragon and stood gazing up at it with a pained expression before setting it alight. Even he needed to remember. 

They all stood watching and remembering the lives of their lost family, their lost friends, their lost loves as the sparks flew up into the night sky, as if their spirits rose and were set free into the stars. Brienne smiled at the thought and closing her eyes for a moment, she remembered Renly with fondness and sent up a little prayer for him to the gods. She opened her eyes to Jaime’s face, staring at her through the flames, his eyes dark and unreadable but penetrating. They held hers steadily and she found she couldn’t look away. 

His face was beautiful, lit up with fire, and after a moment, his mouth slowly turned up into a small smile. Completely unexpected, it startled her and she blinked, still mesmerized by his gaze before shyness overcame her and she looked down and away, her face flushed with more than the heat of the flames. 

The royal Septon said a prayer and as the fires started to die, house by house, they walked away, back up the beach to the city. Jaime remained where he was, his arms behind his back, staring into the remaining flames. Brienne fell into step beside Gendry but looked back as Tyrion spoke a word to Jaime and then turned to follow them up the beach. Brienne hesitated and just as she moved back towards Jaime, Tyrion caught up with her and held her arm for just a moment. 

“Leave him. Just for now.”, he said, looking up into her eyes, pleadingly. She pursed her lips and nodded and turned to join Tyrion and the others. 

Brienne found Catelyn wide awake in her bed, asking a million questions and wanting to know all about the evening, from the size of the stag to how quickly it burned down and who was all there. Brienne patiently answered all her questions but in the back of her mind, all she could see was the sight of Jaime standing alone on the beach in front of the burning lion. 

***

The next day was a day of celebration. A midday meal was held in the Dragon Pit for all of King's Landing along with entertainment, fire dancers, minstrels and mummers. Jousting was held at the tourney grounds and there were activities spread throughout Kings Landing. It was said that King Bran had wanted a day like no other, a day to celebrate the peace and prosperity they had enjoyed over the last ten years, but it was clear who the instigator of this day was. No one could throw a party quite like Tyrion. 

Brienne, dressed in her Kings Guard gold, accompanied King Bran throughout the day, attending each event, although they had no reason to suspect any attempts on his life or well being would be made. He had invited lords, ladies and leaders from across the Narrow Sea as well. Everyone was to be a part of the celebrations. Despite that, Brienne and her gold cloaks took the day seriously, and stood by Bran’s side, watching the crowd intently. 

The evening feast was served for a smaller, select gathering in the courtyard of the Red Keep. Brienne stood to the side of the royal table, watching the jovial crowd, when she felt a hand on her elbow. She turned quickly, her hand already on Oathkeeper, but it was Jaime’s concerned face that met hers. It was the first she had seen of him all that day.

“Brienne, have you seen Catelyn?”

“No, not for a little while. Why? Is something wrong?”

“Yes!” Brienne’s heart started thudding in her chest. What had Jaime seen? “I was with her an hour ago but I haven’t seen her since then.”

Brienne’s heart slowed to it’s normal pace and inwardly, she smiled at his concern. 

“I’m sure she’s fine. She’s probably found a stray dog to play with or she’s with friends. You shouldn’t worry.” Jaime’s frown lines deepened and his eyes became hard as dragon’s glass. 

“You don’t understand, Brienne. Events like this...they are the perfect opportunity for…” He shook his. “I know what I’m talking about, Brienne. I’ve been a father 3 times over. If we don’t watch her, she could be in danger!”

“In danger from whom?” Brienne’s anger began to rise. Was he implying that she wasn’t able to care for and protect their daughter?

“Anyone!  _ Everyone! _ ” He hissed as the colour began to rise in his face. 

Brienne saw his panic and worry and suddenly the scene of Joffrey’s wedding, and soon after, death, rose to her mind. Of course. It was on a day such as this, and in this very place, in fact, where his eldest was murdered. His only daughter had died in his arms by the hands of their enemies. The ghosts were still haunting him. 

She reached out and held his arm, giving it a reassuring squeeze.

“Jaime, this is not the same King’s Landing. And you need to trust that if I ever thought Cat might be in danger, I would do everything in my power to protect her.” She looked deep into his eyes, hoping to instill some calm when in a rush, Catelyn barreled into them, a somewhat mangled piece of cake in one hand and a cat in the other. 

“Look what I found, Momma! He was all alone, hiding under a bush! He wouldn’t come out but I fed him my cake and now he loves me!” Her face was flushed and happy and she pushed it into the somewhat skeptical feline’s black fur. 

Jaime took a step back and Brienne saw the stress wash out of him. He took a deep breath, and he looked to Brienne with relief and a smile. She bent down to her daughter. 

“Hmmm, don’t we already have a Cat?” Brienne pinched her nose playfully. Catelyn laughed but the pleading continued until Brienne looked to Jaime, rolled her eyes, and said, “Alright, alright! Let’s see how he does being inside the keep, ok? If he’s as wild as you, he might not like being indoors.”

“Thank you, Momma!”, she screamed and threw herself, and the cat, at Brienne, squishing them both as the cat jumped out of her arms and made a run for it. Catelyn bolted after it as Brienne chuckled. She turned her laughing face back to Jaime’s. 

“I need to get back to my duties.”

“Yes. Of course. I’m...sorry.” He looked admittedly contrite. 

“It’s alright. I do understand. Why don't you join the feast?”

Jaime looked around at the tables of revelers but he shook his head. 

“I don’t think so. I think there’s only room for one Lannister at this table.”, he said as they watched Tyrion, with his ever-present cup of wine in hand, navigate through the crowd, talking to people and shaking hands as he went. Jamie turned to go when Brienne stopped him with her hand on his arm.

“Jaime, if you’re looking for a place to fit in, you might think to start there.” She nodded her head at the table that Tyrion was heading towards where Bronn, Davos, and a few of the hedge knights sat...along with Jon Snow. “I have a feeling you two might have a lot to talk about.”

Jaime gazed cynically at the table and then back at Brienne as she turned to take her place again beside King Bran, but she watched him cautiously head towards the table, regardless. Tyrion welcomed him loudly, quickly producing another cup of wine for him, as all the other men sat staring silently until Jon slowly stood and pulled out the chair beside him. Brienne smiled as she saw Jaime’s eyes widen and nod at Jon as he took the seat. 

***

Darkness fell but the party resumed with fire dancers and even more food and drink. The revelry grew louder and Bran had long left for his rooms but the gold cloaks were to stay and watch over Tyrion and the crowd in general, at Brienne’s orders. Her shift ended and she was replaced by one of her younger and greener cloaks. They had been newly trained so she knew she would have to come back to check on them later. 

She moved through the crowd and saw that Jaime and the men were still there, stories and japes being thrown around the table and she saw that Jaime laughed right along with them. It warmed her and she smiled as she slipped up the stairs to her rooms, not knowing his eyes caught her retreating back and lingered there until she disappeared. 

She pulled off her heavy armour and donned a more comfortable tunic and leggings. She poked her head into Catelyn’s room and saw her fast asleep with a black shadow curled around her neck. Brienne smiled and started to close the door when she heard Catelyn’s small voice. 

“Momma.”

“Yes, my love?”

“He stayed.” She could hear the smile in her daughter’s sleepy voice above the loud purring of the cat.

“I see that. I suppose that’s settled then.” 

“Yes. He’s mine now. I named him Lemon.”

“Lemon!”, Brienne laughed quietly. “And why did you name your black cat Lemon?”

“Because he ate my lemon cake.”, she said matter of factly. 

“I see…”, Brienne couldn’t help but chuckle. “Makes perfect sense, my dear. Sleep well now.” As she stepped forward and planted a kiss on her daughter’s forehead, Lemon perked up, meowed, and then snuggled back into the warmth of Cat’s neck.  _ Better than under a cold bush _ , she thought and gave the wee cat a scratch. 

Brienne poured herself a little wine and chewed thoughtfully on some sweet bread before she slipped back out onto the balcony and took the steps down to the courtyard to check on her cloaks. Everything was well in hand but she couldn’t help but notice that the table where Jaime had sat was mostly empty. Only Tyrion and Davos remained, speaking in low tones over their cups. 

Her eyes searched the crowd but he was nowhere to be seen. Her heart sunk a bit but she chided herself for it. Had she not just seen him the night before mourning his long-dead sister? What was she expecting? What was she waiting for? She closed her eyes and mentally put Jaime where he belonged. Apart from herself. On the periphery of her life, where he had apparently been happy to be for the last ten years. It was best that way. 

She quickly took the stairs back up to her rooms, planning a hot bath and bed, but as she reached the top, a figure in the dark startled her. Jaime stood at the balcony wall, waiting for her. She sighed. She might have decided where he belonged in her life, but it was obvious that he wasn’t about to stay there. 

“I was just about to turn in.”, she said hesitantly.

“Talk with me. Just a little while.”, his eyes pleaded with her and she found her feet moving towards him. She stood with him looking out onto the city, it’s fires twinkling in the night. The sounds of revelers echoing across the streets below. 

“Catelyn named him Lemon.”, she said with a soft laugh. Jaime turned to her, confused at what she meant.

“Lemon?” 

“The cat. Lemon the black cat.” 

Jaime laughed out loud at that. “The cake.”

“Yes, the cake.”, Brienne began to giggle and Jaime, looking at her breaking up in laughter, felt the love expand in his chest for the two of them. They were his family now, and with that realization, the longing for it burned hot in his chest. He wanted that more than anything.  _ But how do I tell you, Brienne? How do I make you understand? _

He looked out across the city that he once hated, but was now growing on him again. 

“He’s done well.” She could hear the softness in his voice, the effect of the wine, she thought. His night must have gone well.

“Yes, he has. Along with Tyrion.”

“A wolf and a lion. Who would have thought?”

“We’ve seen stranger things.”

“Yes. We have.”, he breathed and turned his head towards her, his eyes soft. They lingered on her face and she felt exposed. She tried to slow her beating heart but it was no use. 

“You stayed on the beach.” That broke his concentration and she could see him calculating his next words. 

“I was waiting for something.” His eyes stayed on her, but she only nodded and kept looking out across the city.

“Waiting for…”

“To feel what I felt before…” Her heart tightened in her chest. This is what he had come here for, to tell her that nothing had changed for him. Her voice came out pinched when she asked the question that would put this all to rest. 

“And do you still?”

His hand came out to gently turn her face towards him. “No. I don’t. And I waited all night, until all the fires had burned down, until the darkness came and then the morning light. But it never came back.”

Her eyes flickered and fell to his chest. Her heart beat a steady rhythm in hers. She nodded, turning her head away from him again and refocusing out onto the dark night. She needed a change of subject quickly before she threw herself shamefully into his arms.

“You know, if you’re going to stay, you’re going to have to trust me that I can look after Catelyn. I have been for ten years, you know.” Her voice came out a little harder than she intended but he seemed not to notice.

“I’m sorry, Brienne. It was...perhaps…”, he shrugged. “...a bit uncalled for. I promise, I will trust you  ** _in all things_ ** from now on...now that I’m staying.”, he said, pointedly, with that characteristic smirk. 

“Have you only decided that now?”

“Yes, I think so.” He was suddenly serious again. 

They stood side by side in silence but Brienne could hear his steady breathing and feel the heat of him beside her in the chilled night air. She felt that familiar pull to him and it was as intoxicating as the wine that had flowed freely that night. She eventually broke the silence.

“You never told me why you came back.”

Jaime turned and gazed at her for a moment.  _ Here it is _ , he thought.  _ She deserves to know _ .

“You know how I told you that I was traveling across Essos, meeting with suppliers?” She nodded, waiting. “I always avoided Pentos. It was too close to Westeros and too many merchants traveling from Westeros might have recognized me so I always sent someone else to deliver supplies from there. I suppose it was unavoidable, and maybe, given enough time, I thought it really wouldn’t matter anymore if someone saw the  _ Kingslayer _ .”

She looked at him with a small amount of pity but he brushed it off.

“Anyway...I did end up in Pentos one day. I was on the docks, negotiating with a merchant ship when another came into port. It was from Tarth, I heard the captain say. It was on its way back as soon as it’s hull was filled.”, he smiled at her look of surprise.  _ Did she still not know it was all about her? _

Her heart was beating rapidly but she said nothing. 

“In that moment, I knew I wanted nothing more than to abandon all and get on that ship heading back to Westeros. I’ve never seen Tarth, you see. I wanted to finally see its sapphires for myself.”, he teased and leaned his shoulder into hers for a moment. “I had no idea what I would do once I got there. But the need was... _ strong. _ I promised myself I would be back.” 

Brienne dropped her head, hoping to hide her reaction. 

“How long ago was that?”

“It was a year ago. I gave myself a year. To be sure.”

“Sure of what?” Her voice was only a whisper.

“To be sure of what I would do once I got here.”

“And...what was that?”

He looked out onto the city. He had told himself to wait. To give her time. But since the day he arrived back he had been fighting the urge to confess all.

“To see you and ask for your forgiveness.”

“There is no need for that.”

Jaime moved closer, scared that Brienne would turn away, but she didn’t. She stood frozen to the spot, mesmerised by the haunted look in his green eyes. She saw every crease that framed his eyes, the nicks and cuts that had marred his beautiful face, healed over from past wars. 

“I came back because of you, Brienne.” 

He saw those blue eyes widen, the ones that had haunted his dreams for so long, and he knew. Like reckless waves to a safe shore, she had always called to the better parts of himself. The Jaime that he rarely showed but was at the centre of who he truly was. 

She said nothing, her breath coming more rapidly and before she had a chance to flee, he continued.

“Back in Winterfell, what I felt for you was all mixed up in what I felt for Cersei. I couldn’t untangle the both of you. And so I did what cowards do. I went back to what I knew. What was familiar. I knew what those dragons could do. I knew she was about to die and the simplest way out of it all was to die with her.” Jaime’s hand slid across the stone railing and carefully covered hers. “But what you said to me that night, after her death...be brave, be just, defend the innocent...it untangled my mind in ways that I can’t explain.”

Brienne could only stand frozen to the spot. A lump growing in her throat and she didn’t trust herself to breathe a word, fearing the tears forming behind her eyes would spill over. He came closer, close enough to smell the sweet wine on his breath. 

“You opened doors in me that I could never close, Brienne. And by all the gods, I tried. I really did.”, he breathed.

His hand came up to cup her face, holding it like you would a butterfly, so scared of crushing it, yet wanting to keep it’s beauty within grasp. “And I know now that all this time, I’ve just been making my way back to you.”

His lips drew closer, and lightly brushed her own, not as much a kiss as a question.

_ Do you still want me? _

Her eyes closed on reflex and a small sigh escaped her lips. His mouth hovered inches from her own. Waiting. Her brain was screaming at her to  _ stop!, hold!, go no further! _ But her body betrayed her, gave in and instinctively moved in closer, needing the feel of his lips on hers again. And again. 

_ Yes. _

He needed no further answer and closed the distance. Jaime’s mouth met hers and held it firmly before moving in deeper, then parting, then returning, a slow dance, like waves on a shore. She remembered this raspy scrape of his beard on her mouth and face, and all the years slipped away. Brienne’s hands moved up and clung to the front of his tunic, pulling his body closer to hers. Jaime whispered her name in between kisses, as in a prayer. Reverently. A confession. He held her face to his and swore his allegiance with only a word. 

His right arm wrapped around her waist and pulled her hips in closer to him. It was then that the feeling started in her toes and quickly moved up. Panic. Fear. It moved into her chest and straight to her frantically beating heart. Her brain had ambushed her body and was taking over. 

Her hands uncurled, flattened against his chest and pushed him away. “No!”

Confusion clouded his eyes. His chest rose and fell, his mouth open, breathing heavily but no sound emerged. 

“Jaime…”, her heart contracted and heat coursed through her body. Her pulse was fluttering in her throat. It made it difficult to get the words out. “I can’t do this. I thought perhaps I could, but I c-can’t.”

She turned on her heel and made for the doorway to the keep.

“I love you, Brienne.”

She stopped, her heart jolted in her chest and she slowly turned to see the desperation in his eyes. They stood there for a moment, eyes locked, hearts beating wildly. How long had she waited to hear those words? Ten years? No. Longer. But was it too late? Would she ever be able to trust him again as she had? 

Jaime finally broke the silence. 

“When you met me, I wasn’t whole. I wasn’t worthy of you. I was a broken man. In so many ways. And yet, you still believed in me.” 

“Jaime, please…”, she begged, but he needed to say it all now that he had started. No matter the consequences.

“I knew that I was taking a risk coming back here. It was a reckless hope that you could take me back, that you could love me again. But I’m too late. I’ve done too much damage, haven't I? No better than those swine who...” Jaime stepped towards her but she backed away from him. Grief thickened his voice. “Brienne, if you don’t love me anymore, then I will bear that. I’m sorry I hurt you. You will never know how sorry.” His voice broke and he struggled to regain composure. “But just know...I’m not leaving again, I’m staying this time. I want more than anything to be a father to Catelyn...and to love you in any way you’ll allow me.” 

He watched the war of emotions on her face, desperately praying to hear the words he longed to hear from her. Brienne steadied herself and took a deep breath. 

“Jaime, you left so long ago. And I feel like I’ve lived a lifetime since then. I’m glad you’ve come back. It brings me so much joy to know that you have found some peace in your life, and some happiness. I have as well. I have a place here, a purpose, and I have Catelyn. That is all I need. Please be her father. She longs for that, even though she’ll never admit it. You could be a wonderful father to her, and a friend to me, as we once were. But only that. I can’t do more, Jaime. I’m sorry.”

His face was grave and his heart was breaking wide open but he walked towards her and took her hand in his. He brought it to his lips and kissed the warm, smooth surface, lingering longer than he ought to after a speech like hers. He looked up into her eyes. 

“Never be sorry, Brienne. I can be that, for her, and for you.”, was all he could manage. 

She nodded her acknowledgement, sealing the agreement between them. Tears threatened to spill over and before they could, she turned and fled to the safety of her rooms.

Jaime stood alone on the balcony, the light from the torches flickering on his face. He brought his fingers up to his lips where hers had been just moments before. He had sworn his heart and his life to her in that kiss, and as only a fellow knight would know, she had done the same.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Why don’t you love him back? I think it makes him sad.”
> 
> Brienne stopped and sighed. She sat back down on the sand and looked her daughter in the eyes. Best to put this to rest. 
> 
> “Catelyn, it’s...not that easy to say how I feel. Grown up love can be very...complicated. You’ll know what I mean one day.” She smiled at Cat. “Plus, all my love is for you, my darling. And there’s so much it fills me up and I hope…”, she slid over on the sand to sit beside Cat and wound her arms around her again in a bear hug. “...I hope that it fills you up too.” 
> 
> ***************
> 
> Thanks SO MUCH for reading my little passion project! I hope you enjoy. Love hearing what you think! It honestly makes my day. <3

They quickly fell back into their old roles, antagonist and protagonist. He teased her, she bit back, but it was never as harsh as it had once been. There was always a tenderness to it beneath the surface. It was all he could do to exist in their new lives. It was either that or pull her into his arms and kiss her madly until they were both weak with desire and she vowed to be his, which at first, he had longed to do daily. He still relived the way she had clung to him that night, feeling her need for him as much as he had needed her. 

However, Brienne remained kind yet distant, the way she had been after she had delivered him back to King’s Landing. She had held herself from him then as she did now. What else could he possibly expect? He had hurt her. And Brienne’s trust and tender heart had always been a hard-earned gift. A gift he had squandered, and he would pay the ultimate price for that. 

He reminded himself that he was fortunate she hadn’t driven him away from her and Cat. One could even say he was a lucky man to be able to keep what he had, and as hard as it was to admit, he knew it. And so he resigned himself to loving her from afar, in any way she would allow. It was, after all, what he had asked of her. 

And Jaime was as good as his word. He was her steadfast friend and her partner in raising Catlyn. He was her confidant when motherhood and her position as Lord Commander clashed. And after a time, he had once again started pulling her away from her desk and they would talk into the night about Catelyn and a million other things, but he did not make any advances, he never touched her, and he did not mention love again. 

He found purpose, and to his surprise, a good deal of satisfaction taking a lowly position at the royal smithy, even when Brienne had insisted he take up the gold cloak again. He wanted to earn his own way, he told her. And, regardless, it would have been too difficult to be with her every day. Watching her work, training with her, admiring the way she commanded the men. Tyrion had suggested that he join the Small Council as a military strategizer, but he refused that as well. He needed his own space to find his balance. And of course, he spent all the time he could with Catelyn. She refused to train with anyone but him or Brienne and so, just about every evening, he met her in the training yard when her lessons were done, and they would spar. She was getting quite good and she bloomed under his training. His pride and his love for her grew every day. 

And for a time, it was enough. 

Brienne knew the restraint he was demonstrating. She felt it every time they were alone together. Always lying under the surface, just waiting for one of them to pull the geise off to reveal all the longing and connection again, strong as ever. But neither of them did, and once again, it felt like safety to her. She silently thanked him for that. She was able to resume her life, to one degree or another, and start to rebuild that wall again, the one that had come crashing down the day he came back into their lives. 

She watched him make his own way in a new King’s Landing. A lost lion amoung wolves, searching for a place to belong. And secretly, her heart ached for him, because she knew how difficult it was to find a place with his family’s old rivals. It took a great amount of humility. She half expected him to simply be gone one morning, never to be heard from again. And yet, he stayed and persevered.

Brienne stood by King Brandon’s side when Jaime knelt before him, swore his sword and his allegiance and kissed the young king’s hand. To anyone who knew their past, it was a poignant moment. Tyrion caught Brienne’s eye and winked at her but she quickly averted her eyes, trying desperately to not show the immense feeling of pride on her face. 

Jaime naturally fell into the role of doting father, although they had still waited until it was impossible not to reveal their secret. On Cat’s name day, they together told her that Jaime was her father. Instead of being upset at not being told sooner, to their complete surprise, she said she already knew. She threw her arms around his neck and he pulled her into their first real embrace as father and daughter. 

A lump had formed in Brienne’s throat and tears had come into her eyes, although she told herself that it was a mother’s joy at seeing her daughter so blissfully happy and fulfilled. And of course, it was. It had been Cat’s secret wish for so long that her father would return to her and that kind of joy had to be reflected in her mother’s heart, just as Cat’s pain had always been. 

But it tugged at Brienne in other ways, and she knew that Jaime felt the same as he looked past his daughter to her. She could see the joy in his eyes as well. He whispered  _ thank you _ over Cat’s shoulder, and it almost made her weep. She quickly stood up and made an excuse to leave them. Jaime had watched her leave with that familiar wistfulness but he had learned to quickly put a stop to those feelings as soon as they surfaced. He had turned his attention back to Cat to ask how she could have possibly known, and with a smile she had whispered in his ear, “ _ Because of the way my momma looks at you. She never looks at anyone that way. _ ”

It was in those moments that hope had flickered. That perhaps, one day, they would truly be a family. But Brienne had remained stoic in her role, keeping him at an emotional distance and it had starved all thoughts of hope and love. And so, he had settled into life, taking what joy he could from his work, from being with his brother Tyrion again, from being able to be a real father this time, and from just being in Brienne’s life.

***

It was Cat’s name day again and the three of them were out riding past the city limits. Jaime had found Catelyn a beautiful mare that was hands taller than her last horse. She was growing quickly now and it had become painfully obvious that she was in need of one. Jaime had presented it to her that day and Cat had squealed with joy and insisted on a ride with them both, that very instant. 

Both Brienne and Jaime had noticed lately how Cat had started insisting that they both be there with her as she trained, as she told them stories she had read about and things she had learned in her studies. They knew what she was trying to do, but neither of them openly admitted it. It was forbidden territory to talk of it, but it weighed on Brienne’s mind. Once Cat had known Jaime was her father, her next wish had been that they would become her parents in every way and she just didn’t have the courage to tell her yet that it couldn’t be. Why wasn’t what they had enough?

Cat was riding up farther ahead, well out of earshot when she decided to test the waters, not realizing how it would change everything. 

“Jaime…”

“Yes, Ser Brienne?”, he teased.

“Why haven’t you...well, I mean, after all this time, why haven’t you found someone? Someone else to be with?”

That stopped Jaime short. He realized that even after all this time, he had still clung to hope that she could love him again and accept him back, and if they didn’t speak of it, he could keep it alive. Her question felt like death to that hope, and his foolishness angered him. 

He replied through the lump in his throat. “Do you want me to?”

“It’s not up to me whether you should or shouldn’t. I just wonder why you haven’t…”

“Don’t, Brienne.”

“Don’t what?”, she asked innocently.

He stopped his horse and she rode ahead a few feet before she realized it. She turned and led her horse back to him. She could see the anger in his green eyes and it startled her.

“Don’t expect me to find someone else, someone who is not you, who could only ever be half of you, and expect me to be happy.”

It was not what she had expected to hear and it startled her even more than his anger did. 

“Is this really all you want out of life?”

“I could ask the same of you.”

“You know me, Jaime. I’ve always been happy on my own.”

His green eyes pierced her and for the space of several heartbeats, neither of them spoke.

“Is that honestly true?”, he finally asked. All she could do was stare back at him with her big blue eyes, realizing that she wasn’t entirely sure if it  _ was _ true. It was only familiar. He didn’t wait for a reply. “You and Cat are my family. That is all I need.”, he said harshly, echoing her own words to him as he clicked his tongue and rode ahead to catch up with Cat.

***

“She’s so beautiful Momma, isn’t she?” 

Later that day, Brienne had taken Cat to a secluded spot down by the water below the keep that had always been a name day tradition for them. Brienne would bring a picnic filled with all Cat’s favourite foods and Brienne would sit and watch her pick her way through the rocks finding trinkets and objects that would wash up onto the shoreline, or count the boats passing by, making up stories about where they had been and where they were going. This being Cat’s 11th name day, Brienne didn’t know how many more of these moments Cat would want to be a part of so every one of them counted. And if she was honest with herself, her conversation with Jaime earlier had unsettled her and she needed a distraction.

“Do you mean your gift? Yes, she’s a very beautiful lady, Catelyn. You’re a very lucky girl.” Brienne ruffled her hair as Cat came to sit down beside her on the sand to show her what she had found. 3 coins, a rusty old cup, most likely from a sailing ship, and a beautiful shell that was polished to a shine. 

“I’m going to go riding every day. Papa said he would come with me if I wanted him to. And he’s going to teach me how to jump her!”

“You will be an expert horsewoman soon enough.” Brienne smiled at Cat, but Cat was quiet for a moment. 

“I know I haven’t known him very long but I love him like he’s always been here.” Cat looked pointedly at Brienne, one eye squinted shut to the sun, but gauging her reaction nonetheless. 

“I know you do, my darling.” Brienne pulled Cat to her and kissed the top of her head. “And he loves you even more. I’m sure of it.” 

“He loves you too, you know. I can tell.”, Cat said with a hint of a smile. Brienne wound her arm around her daughter so Cat couldn’t see her concern. 

“Oh Cat…” She knew this had been coming, as much as she wanted to avoid it. “We care for one another. Of course we do. We made you. And all our love is poured into you because of it. Now...we should pack up our meal and head back to the keep, yes?” 

Brienne began gathering up the picnic but Cat just sat watching her, scrutinizing. 

“Why don’t you love him back? I think it makes him sad.”

Brienne stopped and sighed. She sat back down on the sand and looked her daughter in the eyes. Best to put this to rest. 

“Catelyn, it’s...not that easy to say how I feel. Grown up love can be very...complicated. You’ll know what I mean one day.” She smiled at Cat. “Plus, all my love is for you, my darling. And there’s so much it fills me up and I hope…”, she slid over on the sand to sit beside Cat and wound her arms around her again in a bear hug. “...I hope that it fills you up too.” 

Brienne leaned her head against Cat’s and rocked her a little like she used to when Cat was a small child, but Cat pulled away, faced her mother and put her hands on either side of her Brienne’s face.

“It does momma. But there’s so much, I don’t need  _ all _ of it. You can give some to papa too.”

Brienne just sat in silence as she watched Cat continue to put their picnic away and her love for her daughter grew tenfold in her chest. 

***

Late that night, Brienne lay awake, thinking about what Jaime had said and letting her mind wander into forbidden places. Was it truly all he needed? Was it truly all  _ she _ did? The life they had built here was a sweet one but with an empty spot in the middle that made no sense to her. It had sufficed for a while, she admitted, and the safety of it had made her happy. She had always been independent, she never felt like she needed anyone to be happy. But lately, that hole had grown larger and she felt restless. It consumed her thoughts more than she cared to admit. And as much as she tried, Jaime would not stay in that neat little corner of her life that she had relegated him to. 

Every time she saw him lately with Catelyn, the ache in her chest had grown stronger and it angered her. He had hurt her. Betrayed her friendship and her trust. And she didn’t want him in the same way she once had. Or was it that she just didn’t want to? Her default had always been to push people away that had hurt her, and it had worked for her. It kept her safe. It always had, until Winterfell. 

She groaned into her pillow and punched it. The memories of the night he left would not let her be. And yet, that was so long ago. It wasn’t the Jaime she knew anymore. She didn’t see the same conflict in his eyes. The Jaime she knew was at peace, content, but she still sensed his sadness. And now she knew why. He still loved her. And his challenge had made her all the more restless.

_ I could ask the same of you. _

***

A grand dinner was planned some weeks later in honour of the lords and ladies of the Westeros from all seven kingdoms. It was a yearly event, something that Tyrion had put in place, to keep the kingdoms united and at peace. 

For the first time Brienne had put her cloaks in charge of Bran’s protection that night, including Pod, although she still attended with Oathkeeper safely at her side. 

Jaime had not seen the remaining members of his family since had returned, and he preferred to keep it that way. However, at Tyrion’s behest, he reluctantly attended, greeting each member of his family with polite courtesy as they peppered him with questions about where he had been for so long and pouring their condolences on him for the loss of his father and sister so many years ago. (The details of Tywin’s death was not public knowledge. It’s something he and Tyrion agreed they would take to their graves.) It made him want to bolt from the great hall, but he dutifully stayed and answered their questions with as little detail as he possibly could get away with, all the time, his eyes straying to where Brienne sat with Catelyn and a few of the other ladies of court. 

She had worn a gown that night, something he had rarely seen her in. Not since the ghastly pink thing she had been given to wear at Harrenhal. This was a rich shade of purple, trimmed with gold that matched her hair and simply made to enhance her broad shoulders, trim waist and her creamy skin. And made her blue eyes even more blue, if that was possible. She wore a broad gold sword belt that tilted enticingly on her hips which Oathkeeper hung from. The scar from the bear was still visible and it gave him a start to remember that feeling of seeing her in the bear pit alone, with a wooden sword, fighting for her life. It was then he had known that she would forever change him. 

His heart skipped a beat when she entered the room and he was having a hard time keeping his eyes off of her. He needed a distraction.

***

“Jaime!”

He had finally found a moment to escape the dinner, feeling his duty had been done, when he heard Brienne calling from behind him. He took a deep breath, preparing to face her...in her purple gown and her soft blue eyes and to pretend again that they held no sway over him. Except those blue eyes were anything but soft.

“What was that in there?”, she demanded. He wasn’t prepared for her anger and accusation.

“What was … what are you talking about?”

“That….display!”

“Display?” He thought he might know what this was about but he deflected. “Do you mean my politeness? My tireless, and honestly, undeserved courtesy at the hands of my prying family members, you mean? Well, I do think I went above and beyond tonight, I agree, but they really mean no harm…”

“I meant the display with that woman!’

“Woman?” He had been right. “You mean Lady Rosser? She’s a family friend. We were talking…”

“You were laughing and...flirting.” 

He paused, his anger rising as it had been doing at an alarming rate when it came to Brienne of Tarth lately. He matched her accusing stare with one of his own.

“And what if I was?” 

“In front of Catelyn!”

“Catelyn?! We were talking...and yes, gods forbid, laughing...in front of Catelyn. It’s not like we were having se…”

“Yes, I know you weren’t! But she’s...she thinks the world of you, Jaime, and I would hate for her to see her father as a…a...”

“As a what, Brienne? Hmmm? As anything but a chaste saint?  _ Gods, Brienne, I was merely being polite! _ ”

He turned his back on her and wiped his hand over his face, frustration emanating out of every pore. He turned back to her.

“What is this about? Is this  _ really _ about Cat, or is this more about you?”

“Me?  _ This is not about me! _ ” The heat rose to her face turning her creamy skin pink with anger.

“Is that right?”

“That’s right. Why would I care if you…”

“Why  _ would _ you care? That is a very good question, Brienne!” He shook his head as she stood silent, her hands on her hips. “What do you want from me, hmmm? You want me to stay, but not too close. You want me to be a father to Cat, and a friend to you, and by all the gods, I have done that, and gladly!” He stepped closer to her, and she could see him shaking. “You don’t want me to love anyone else but you won't let me love you!”

“That’s...that’s not what I meant...the other day. I was just wondering why you hadn’t...”

“Just wondering why I hadn’t moved on? Is that it, Brienne? Just wondering?”

“That’s right.”, she said, swallowing hard, tilting her chin up, her heart thundering in her chest at his proximity. 

“Because, Ser Brienne of Tarth, there is no one else I want to be with. And you know that.”, he said thickly, moving close enough to touch her. She could feel the weaving of energy in the air between them. The invisible threads that reached out to each other anytime they got too near. “But maybe the question you need to ask is, why haven't you?” His eyes searched hers. He felt the pull as well and his eyes fell to her lips, drawn into a hard thin line and he ached to soften them with his own. His hand instinctively came up to wind about her velvet waist, but then fell by his side, clenching and unclenching. “Why did you ask me that, Brienne? Do you  _ want _ me to move on? Because if you do _ , that...”,  _ Jaime pointed back to the hall, “...is what it looks like.” 

He turned on his heels and strode away from her, down the stairs to the outer courtyard. 

Brienne stood frozen, her breathing rapid, her body humming and her mind racing as she watched Jaime's back disappear. A fire burned in her belly, a mixture of rage and desire and jealousy. Seeing Jaime with Lady Rosser had ignited that fire and she realized that she didn't like the feeling one bit.  _ Damn you, Jaime Lannister... _ she seethed.

***

Late that night, Brienne slipped out of her room after she knew Cat was sleeping soundly, and stalked down to the training yard to find it thankfully deserted. She pulled out Oathkeeper and swung as hard as she could at a training dummy, just about taking the entire head off the post. 

_ How dare he!  _ How dare  _ he _ question  _ her _ , when  _ he _ was the one who had betrayed what they had once had!  _ She _ wasn’t the one who had disappeared!  _ She _ wasn’t the one who had betrayed years of loyalty and trust! And when  _ he _ decided to walk back into her life without a word of warning,  _ he _ dared to question what she needed! 

What infuriated her the most, however, was her reaction to him tonight.  _ Jealousy? Desire?  _ If he had touched her tonight, gods knows what might have happened.  _ Seven hells, Brienne, you are more than that! _ , she admonished herself.  _ Have you forgotten how he hurt you? Have you forgotten what he did? How could you let him get so close again? _

But she already knew why. Bit by bit since he had returned, watching Jaime with Cat, seeing the changes in him, Brienne had accumulated a frustrating amount of respect for him. It had crept up on her. But she couldn’t still love him, could she? Could that be what this deep ache in her chest was? She wanted to hate him! She wanted to tear his eyes out for every letting her think that she could trust him with her heart. But tonight...seeing him with Lady Rosser had brought up a rage in her that she hadn’t known existed and the thought terrified her. What had he said to her all those years ago... _ we can’t choose who we love _ . He had been right and that made her all the more angry.

“Arghhh!” She hacked and tore at the dummy until it was lying in shreds at her feet, but she just continued on to the next one until her back and arms ached and her hands shook from clutching Oathkeeper. 

Heaving with spent rage, she threw Oathkeeper across the yard, heard it hit something metallic and fall to the ground. She froze for a moment, shocked at what she had just done. She rushed over to where it had fallen, searching for it in the dark, but finding nothing. She pulled up fallen dummies, and turned over boxes, frantically clawing at a stack of dented shields before she saw something gleaming under a metal rack carrying old training armour. She pushed it aside and gently pulled out Oathkeeper, looking over it carefully for damage. Her heart dropped at the sight of a small dent in the edge of the blade. “ _ Noooo….! _ ”, she moaned, as her hand started to shake and sorrow consumed her. She rubbed her thumb over the dent, hoping to smooth it out but all she got for it was a cut thumb. She stuck it into her mouth to stop the bleeding. Brienne had cared for this blade as she had cared for her own daughter, with absolute love and diligence, and by her very own hand, she was the one who had damaged it. His gift to her. 

She fell to her knees, holding the blade close to her chest, and she wept. She wept for their broken past. The time they had spent together on the road from the Riverlands. The years of grudging respect and growing trust and blooming friendship. She wept for the brief moment when he had been hers, and the secret hope it had born in her. And she wept for the years since. Years of solitude and loneliness. Years of buried anger and betrayal. He had taken something from her, and she had never grieved it. Not until now. Not until his return. 

Exhausted and spent, Brienne drew her sleeve across her eyes to dry them and gathered herself up, ready to return to her rooms and find release in sleep. She turned toward the doorway when saw a shadow move in front of her. She readied Oathkeeper when Jaime stepped out of the shadows. 

“Brienne…?”, he said unsteadily. The haunted look in his eyes made Brienne realize he had witnessed her weeping. She cringed. 

“How long have you been here?” 

“Not long. But long enough.”

Jaime looked around the yard at the broken training dummies and raised his eyebrows at the damage.

“I came to find you. I thought you might be here.” 

“You found me, but I’m tired, Jaime. Goodnight” She brushed passed him. 

“Brienne...are you...?”

“I’m fine!”, she snapped.

“Brienne...please...earlier tonight...I’ve been a selfish fool.”, he called after her.

She paused her retreat. 

“Perhaps I never should have returned. Perhaps it would have been easier for you if I hadn’t.”

She slowly turned to him. His face was a mask of pain that reflected hers.

“Brienne. Forgive me. For all of it. For everything. For coming back and disrupting your life again. You didn’t deserve that.”

She finally found her voice, shaky as it was. _ “How could you ask me to love you again! You betrayed my trust, Jaime! You betrayed us! _ ”

He flinched as if she had hit him, but he kept his voice steady. 

“I did.”

“ _ Years of trust...broken! _ ”

“I know.”, he said, taking the blows of her anger and absorbing it.

“And then you come back after all this time and expect me to invite you back into my life again? Back into my trust?!  _ How dare you!! _ ”, she was shaking all over again, and the tears poured down her face from the relief at finally releasing the anger she had stored away for so long.

“You’re right. Of course, you’re right.” His voice was thick. “You gave me the gift of your trust and I betrayed that. I will regret that for the rest of my life. Please understand, I never meant to hurt you then, and I never wanted to hurt you by returning. I’ve been selfish. I don’t deserve your trust again, and yet, you’ve given it to me with Catelyn.” He stepped closer to her, but she backed away. “I expect nothing more of you, Brienne. I only hope that one day...you might forgive me.”

They stood facing each other, squaring off as they had done countless times before. 

“Brienne, I can’t bear to see you like this. I can’t bear that I’ve caused it.” He looked down for a moment, readying himself for what he had to say. He looked back up at her. “Certain members of my family have asked that I take up my position as Lord of Casterly Rock.” Brienne looked at him in surprise. “It’s mine by rights. It’s what my father always wanted of me, but I’ve always resisted it, and not always for the best reasons. I could go, Brienne. I could leave you in peace here, as you were.”

Brienne’s mind was racing. Jaime leave King’s Landing? Leave her and Cat? Of course, it seemed a fitting solution. They had tried to live this half life together, but it had become so difficult, so complicated recently. It would give her the space she needed to put her life back in order. So why was everything in her screaming  _ No! _ ?

“That would devastate Cat.”

Jaime nodded heavily, his voice pained. “It would be hard, yes. At first. But I would be back for visits. Often. She could come and stay with me every year? If you approved, of course. I would never abandon our daughter. Please believe that.”

“Is this what you want?” 

He smiled at her sadly. “It’s not about what I want. It never should have been. It’s about what you need.”

All Brienne could do was stare back at him, a million thoughts and feelings flowing through her.

“Take some time. Think about it. I want to do what’s best...for all of us.” 

Brienne looked into his eyes, so large and serious. She knew what this would cost him, being so far apart from his daughter after losing so many years with her. They had formed a bond that was as strong as their twin swords and she had marveled at the wonderful father he had become. He had never had a chance with his and Cersei’s children, but with Cat, he had been free to shower her with all his love and attention and he had grown through it as well. If he left King’s Landing, it would break his heart, and more importantly, Cat’s. Why should Cat suffer because of her? But that he would do this for her...banish himself for the sake of her happiness. She didn’t know what to think.

Brienne pulled Oathkeeper from its sheath. “I’ve ruined the edge.”, she said in a strained voice. 

The tension eased, he looked at her with surprise and a bit of amusement. “You’ve ruined a valyrian steel sword?” She only nodded and laid it in her hands. He leaned closer and saw the small dent, surprised that even she had been able to do that much damage to it. 

“It’s not ruined. I can fix that.” Her hand instinctively tightened around the sword, hesitating to give it up for even a moment. It had never left her side since the day he gave it to her. “Let me fix this, Brienne.” 

She nodded and slowly released it, holding it out for him to take.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was suppose to be the last chapter but I just kept writing and writing and eventually had to break it in two. Maybe I just didn't want it to end? (eek) But the last chapter is coming right up. It's mostly written, just needs some tweaks. Stay tuned!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> fear is a powerful thing,  
but so is love. so we either  
build bombs and shelters  
of our hearts or sew them  
to our sleeves.  
–ullie-kaye
> 
> there comes a moment when  
your sweet rhythm must  
change her path. so you  
thank her for her gentle  
ways. you take that little  
heart of yours and you give  
her a sword. then with a  
voice of bravery that even  
your own ears do not fully  
recognize, say, “today we  
must fight. today our blood  
is thick with war.”  
–ullie-kaye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter. I hope you enjoy it!  
Love all your comments and kudos. Thank you again for reading!

She found Oathkeeper the next day, laying on her desk, after coming back from her morning rounds. It was wrapped in a soft clean linen and she carefully picked it up and examined it, not able to find the spot where she had dented it the night before. It had been fixed perfectly. He must have stayed up all night working on it. She let out the breath she had been holding and closed her eyes in relief. She unbuckled her old sword from her waist, and put Oathkeeper back into its place.  _ Never again _ , she promised. 

She was passing through the courtyard later that day when she saw Jaime and Tyrion having what looked to be a rather serious conversation. Jaime looked up and caught her eye. She put her hand on Oathkeeper’s hilt and nodded at him. He smiled gently and nodded back, his eyes following her sadly as she quickly swept through. 

***

That was the last time they had acknowledged that painful night. Weeks passed and Brienne’s anger waned, only to be replaced with an empty feeling at the thought of his leaving. There was no mention of it from him, but she suspected that it was heavily on his mind, as it was on hers. 

She kept herself busy with her duties and with Cat, but she made excuses when Cat wanted her to join their riding excursions together, letting Jaime have the time with her that he might want right now. Each time, she expected Cat to come bursting back through the door in tears, having heard of his new plans, but so far she hadn’t, and secretly, Brienne was relieved. 

It was on one of those days that Cat did come bursting through the doors, but only shortly after going to find Jaime for their ride. 

“Papa’s sick. He can’t go riding with me today.”, she pouted as she sat down hard on a chair next to Brienne’s writing desk. 

“Sick? Well, what’s wrong with him?”

“I don’t know. Just that he wasn’t feeling well enough.” Cat picked up a book and started thumbing through it. 

“Well, I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about, my dear. He’ll be well again tomorrow. You’ll see.”

But he wasn’t well enough the next day either. 

“Maester Tarly wouldn’t even let me see him!”, Cat complained. “What could be so wrong with him?”

“Maester Tarly’s been called?”

“Yes! He says he doesn’t want Papa to make me sick too. He won’t even let me into his rooms!”

This startled Brienne but she saw the worried look on Cat’s face and thought best not to make too much of a fuss and worry her. 

“Why don’t I go down to see what’s wrong, hmmm? I’m sure it’s just Maester Tarly being overly cautious. Why don’t you stay here and I’ll fetch you when I’ve had a word with him.”

Cat did not like that idea at all, and begged to come with her, but with a firm word, Brienne left Cat curled up on her bed reading Lemon a book on the Targaryen dragons.

Brienne reached Jaime’s room in moments and sure enough, as soon as she wedged the door open, Maester Tarly was there, sweeping her out of the room, his face unsmiling. 

“Ah, Ser Brienne. Catelyn must have told you. I cannot let you in. Ummmm...Ser Jaime is unwell and I don’t think it’s a very good idea to…”

“What is Ser Jaime unwell with?”

“Well, it’s really hard to say what it is. He said he was feeling fine one moment but developed a severe headache and then he quickly fell ill with fever last evening. Lord Tyrion called for me, and I’ve stayed with him through the night but so far nothing I’ve tried has brought down his fever.”

“I’d like to see him.”

“Please, Ser Brienne, until we know what it is, I’d advise you not to…”

“Maester Tarly. I’d kindly advise you to step aside.”

He knew better than to challenge a knight and the Lord Commander at that. He stepped to the side and followed Brienne into the room. 

It was dark, the windows had been shuttered and the room smelled stale. Jaime lay still on his bed, sleeping heavily, although his covers had been thrown off, looking like he’d had a restless night. 

She knelt by his side and said his name. There was no movement from him. His bed clothes were soaked and sweat was beaded on his flushed face. A bowl of now lukewarm water sat by his bedside with a cloth and a dish of some foul-smelling ointment and herbs. 

“Jaime. Jaime, it’s me, Brienne.” He didn’t stir.

“He’s been like this since dawn. I haven't been able to wake him and he’s been having fever dreams all night. He’s developed some nasty looking welts.” Brienne pulled aside the collar on his tunic and saw vivid red welts forming on his neck and chest. Brienne was beginning to worry.

Maester Tarly walked to the table where he had been sitting looking through an old book. “When Ser Jaime was gone, he was in Essos and the Red Waste, is that right?” 

“That’s what he told me.” 

“All the fevers I’ve dealt with were well treated with a herb infusion, cold compresses and fluids. This one seems to be resistant to it. I’ve been looking at sicknesses from the east, trying to determine if he could have caught something there. So far there’s only one noted with the severity of his symptoms.”

“An illness from the east? But that was years ago! How could he have only become ill now?”

“I can’t say for certain, my Lady, but I have heard of illnesses lying dormant for many years before a patient becoming ill with it.”

“And so, how will you help him?” Her worry was turning to fear. 

“If he has what I suspect he has...there are no treatments for this fever.”, he said hesitantly, not wanting to meet her eyes.

“What do you mean?”, Brienne demanded. 

“I mean, so far, I’ve done all I can. We need to keep a close watch on the fever and try to keep his body cool and nourished, if he wakes up long enough to eat and drink. But it could be that he’ll just have to be strong enough to fight it off.” 

“And if he’s not?” She kept her voice calm but her fear was rising in her chest. 

“Then there is little else we can do. I’m sorry.”

The look on Maester Tarly’s face was grave. She turned back to Jaime and smoothed back the hair from his forehead. 

“Jaime, I’m here.”, she whispered. “I’ll stay with you. You will be well again, I promise.”

She hurried back to their rooms and reassured Cat but that she would have to stay with him to help Maester Tarly. She delivered Catelyn to her Septa, gave orders to Pod to take over her command and returned to Jaime’s side.

She opened the shutters to let in the breeze, helped Sam change him out of his soaked bedclothes and into clean ones. She fetched fresh, cold water from the well and for the rest of the day, she sat by his bed cooling his heated body, but nothing seemed to calm the storm within him. He didn’t wake all day, just muttered in his sleep, and thrashed in his bed, the worse the fever became. 

Tyrion came by several times that day to check on his brother, his worry evident every time he heard of Jaime’s worsening condition, until that evening, he stayed to sit with Brienne as Maester Tarly went to attend to his other patients. 

Brienne had done her best to be calm and confident of his recovery all day but as darkness settled and his fever continued on, a real fear had set in. What if he never recovered? What if this was one battle he couldn't win? 

“He is strong. He will fight this off. I’m sure of it.”, Tyrion tried to reassure Brienne.

Brienne glanced at him, unconvinced.

“He had spoken to me of leaving King’s Landing. Did you know that?” Tyrion sat on the other side of Jaime’s bed, his hands folded in front of him, resting his chin on them, as if in prayer.

“I would kindly ask you not to speak of him as if he has already gone.”, she said sharply. 

Tyrion put up his hands in front of him as if to ward off her anger. “My apologies, Ser Brienne. That’s not what I meant at all.”

Brienne sighed, knowing that her worry was starting to get the best of her. 

“He mentioned the possibility to me, yes. I didn’t know he’d decided.” So Jaime had already made up his mind and had decided not to discuss it with her further.

“It took me by surprise. I never thought I’d see the day when he would willingly take up his title. He wouldn’t tell me why the change of heart, though. He seemed...happy here.” Tyrion looked across the bed to her, a question in his eyes. 

Brienne chose to ignore his prying. She once again dipped the cloth into the basin of water, squeezed out the excess and held it over Jaime's heated brow. He startled with the coolness of it and turned his head away but Brienne shushed him and whispered to him soothingly as she used to when Cat would fall ill. He eventually calmed and she returned the cloth to his head, all the while Tyrion held firmly to Jaime’s hand. Tyrion continued in hushed tones, not wanting to wake his brother.

“The night of the dinner, there had been talk of an engagement. Well, I should say, an arrangement amoungst families. Aren’t they all?” Tyrion huffed. “The Rossers are a very old family friend of the Lannisters. They have an older daughter who, up until this point, has refused to marry. But their family owns a rather large area of land directly south of Casterly Rock and all that would go to Jaime and the Lannisters. So, there is a good deal of pressure being put on him to accept. I must say, he’s going a bit too far in avoiding it, though.” Tyrion looked back at Jaime’s sleeping form. His words sounded cavelier but she could see the worry in his eyes.

“ _ Married? _ ” She couldn’t help but betray the shock in her voice. Visions of Jaime laughing with the woman at the dinner returned to her, leaving her feeling rather light headed.  _ Married?  _ “Has he said that he would...marry?”

“I honestly don’t know. He avoided that particular subject. He did say he was preparing to leave though. I take it that staying in King’s Landing was becoming...difficult.”

Brienne looked back to Jaime’s still face, his lashes lying damp against his heated skin. He had been as good as his word then. It hadn’t been a ruse to see if she would beg him to stay. He really meant to leave them, believing it was for the best. 

“Tyrion, would you do me a favour?”

“Anything. Just say it.”

“Would you look in on Catelyn for me? Her Septa will stay with her tonight but she might need a reassuring uncle to distract her for a while. I’d like to stay here, if you don’t mind.”

Tyrion smiled at her. “Of course. I would be glad to.” He lifted Jaime’s hand to kiss it. “Sleep well, brother. I will check in on you in the morning and I expect you to be here, ordering about the kitchen maids looking for your breakfast.” He shot one last smile at Brienne before he left the room. 

Maester Tarly soon entered to check on Jaime's unchanged condition. He applied more ointment to the welts on Jaime’s chest and tried to wake him so that Jaime could drink the tea he had made him but to no avail. Jaime groaned weakly with the disturbance so Sam settled him back on the bed, brought a fresh basin of cold water and bid Brienne goodnight.

Brienne just sat quietly with Jaime, digesting the news that Tyrion had brought her. Jaime. Possibly engaged. Without telling her? But why would he have needed to? Hadn’t she made it clear that regardless of sharing a child, she had no claim on him? What would it be like to know that someone else stood by his side and made his green eyes laugh? Someone else filling his days, sleeping in his bed, baring his children? If the night of the dinner was any indication, it wasn’t about to bring her any peace. A desperation grew in her that warred with all of her preconceptions about what they could only ever be to each other. What was it going to take to sweep away that fear she felt at trusting and loving him again?

_ Seven hells! She wanted him to stay.  _ She watched him sleep restlessly, his breathing deep and heavy. As if the exertion of merely living was too much. Try as she might, she couldn’t imagine her life without him again. To not see his teasing eyes every day. To not see Cat’s face light up with joy at his praises. To not see that smile that was only for her. Since his return, he had become home to her. She conceded...the Jaime that left King’s Landing all those years ago was not the same Jaime that lay in this bed beside her, his life slipping from him. She had kept him all to herself since his return, and yet kept him at a distance. He had been right to ask. What  _ did _ she want from him? And now, with the thought of him dying, she would forfeit all her wants and desires if only he would live. She would watch him leave for another life, for another love, if only he would live. 

She leaned forward and laid her cool hand on his heated brow and whispered into his ear.  _ “You will fight this, damn you! Do you hear me, Jamie? You will not die on me!” _

She eventually fell asleep in her chair, only to be woken in the middle of the night to Jaime's loud moaning. She put her hand to his head and felt his fever burning him up. She tried to settle him but he thrashed and kicked, talking nonsensically about dragons and fire and endless red sand. Brienne ran for Maester Tarly’s room. 

“Jaime is burning up! We need to lower his fever or he will die.”

“I’ll call for a cold bath.”

She nodded and waited with Jaime while Sam woke the kitchen maids to bring up a bath and fill it with cold well water. When it was ready, Brienne and Sam lowered him into the bath, bed clothes and all. She had only heard him scream like this once before and it sent shivers through her now, as it had then. He tried to pull himself from the bath, fighting them, but in his weakness, it was easy to keep him submerged. He begged to be let out but she held him tight, soothing him with her words. He eventually gave up the fight, but somehow that worried Brienne more than his protests.

They pulled him from the tub when Sam thought it had been long enough and stripped him of his sodden clothes. They pulled a dry tunic over his limp body and laid him back in bed. He shuttered and moaned to be warm again, but she fought him when he tried to pull up the blankets. 

Sam held a glass of water to his lips but he pushed it away, knocking it out of Sam’s hand and landing on the floor. He tried to get out of bed but Brienne struggled with him and his strength gave out. She pushed him back onto the bed, one arm wrapped around his torso, the other resting on his now chilled brow. He eventually calmed but she felt him shudder as chills wracked his body. His teeth clenched and he turned away from her, curling up on the bed as they passed through him. 

“Keep him comfortable but not too warm. Gods willing, he will make it through tonight.” With that, Sam left her alone with Jaime. 

Brienne continued to whisper to him, but she didn’t know if he could hear her through the fever. Without knowing what else she could do, she threw off her jerkin and climbed into bed beside him, wrapping her arms around him, pulling his stiff body close to her, whispering in his ear the entire time, willing him to stay alive with the sheer force of her needing him to.

“ _ You will not leave me, Jaime Lannister. You will fight this and you will live. For me and for Catelyn. She needs you...and so do I. You cannot leave now. _ ”, she whispered over and over until once again, he calmed and his body relaxed into hers. She felt him fall back into a fevered sleep and she followed him shortly after.

***

She woke to the face of Maester Tarly peering down at Jaime’s still form, feeling his patient’s brow. Brienne pulled herself up on her elbows trying to read his face, until he broke into a smile and looked at her reassuringly. 

“I believe the fever has broken. His skin is much cooler to the touch. See for yourself.” 

Brienne laid her hand on his brow and he was right, it  _ was _ cooler and his skin didn’t look as red and flushed as it had the night before. Relief flooded her and she smiled back radiantly at Maester Tarly.

“He will live.”

“Yes, I believe he will.”

It’s only then that she realized she was lying in bed with an almost naked Jaime. Embarrassed to be caught this way, she jumped from the bed and pulled on her jerkin and ran a hand through her rumpled hair. 

“Uhhhh...I need to see Cat. I leave him in your capable hands, Maester Tarly.” With one last look back at Jaime’s sleeping form, she rushed back to her rooms to tell Cat the good news. 

***

Later that day, Brienne returned, knocking softly on the door to Jaime’s room. Maester Tarly opened it to her, putting his finger to his lips. 

“How is he?”, she whispered.

“He’s doing much better, Ser Brienne. He has been awake and taking liquids and has talked a little. He’s weak but the fever is gone. I am much relieved.”

“As am I. Thank you for all that you did, Maester Tarly.”

“Well, yes of course...but I barely did a thing. I think it was your attention to him last night that helped the most. I must go for now. Will you stay with him?”

“Yes, of course.”

With a nod, Sam was gone and Brienne went to sit beside Jaime’s bed. His face was calm and quiet. The flush had mostly left and a bare shoulder revealed that the welts had begun to fade. Relief flooded her. Remembering the dire state he had been in the night before, she knew she had almost lost him and the thought was one that she could not bear to think about. 

Sensing her presence, Jaime cleared his throat weakly and tried to open his heavy eyes. 

“Brienne…”. His voice was scratchy and thick. 

“I’m here, Jamie.”, she took his hand in hers and squeezed. 

“I’m not dreaming.”

“No, you’re not dreaming. I’m here.”, she smiled with the immense feeling of relief at hearing his voice again. He closed his eyes, sleep wanting to pull him back in.

“I was dreaming of...storms. And sand. You were there.”

“I was with you last night. You were having fever dreams but your fever has gone now. You’re going to be well again.”

“Water...gods, the water. So cold. Almost froze my balls off.” 

She laughed out loud. “We put you into a cold bath. It was the only way to bring your fever down. It was burning you from the inside. You would have died.”

“I heard you.”, he said softly. “I was fighting.”

She smiled as tears pricked her eyes. She touched his cheek and brushed the hair from his forehead.

“Yes, Jaime, you were fighting. I could feel it.” This time he fought the sleep and opened his eyes wide enough to really see her. There was so much softness and love there that it tore at her heart. 

“Thank you, Brienne.” She just smiled through her tears. He smiled back at her weakly.

“Catelyn.”, he said.

“Yes, Catelyn was very worried about you, as was Tyrion.”, she wiped her eyes dry. “He was with you last night too for a while. He’s been checking on you constantly. He was going to bring Catelyn shortly to say hello. Would you feel up for that?”

“Yes. I want to see her.” He tried to pull himself up but fell back weakly onto the bed. 

“Don’t. Just rest. You shouldn’t try to do too much…”

Just then there was a quick knock and Cat burst into the room, Lemon under one arm and a book in the other, followed by Tyrion who smiled at seeing his brother awake and talking.

“Papa! You’re awake!” Cat threw herself onto the bed, Lemon screeching and jumping out of harm's way. She threw her arms around his neck and squeezed.

“Cat, please! He’s still very weak! You need to be more gentle!”, Brienne chastised.

“It’s alright.”, Jamie said, looking much more awake than he had a moment earlier. “It’s the best medicine I could have right now.” He weakly pulled Cat into his embrace and kissed her head. “I’ve missed you my little kitten.” Cat giggled and pulled herself out of his arms to feel his forehead, much to the amusement of everyone in the room.

“He feels much better, momma.”, although it was clear that she hadn’t known the extent of his illness.

“He does indeed.”, she grinned. “I’ll leave you to tend to him, yes?” 

She stood as Tyrion caught her eye and winked. She closed the door, leaving it open just a crack and heard Cat chattering at Jaime. She stood to listen for a moment. 

“When will you be well enough to go for another ride with me?”

“It might be some time before I can seat a horse again, but I promise to try  _ very _ hard to feel well enough soon. I miss our rides together, sweetpea.”

“And then we can train again too! I’ve had to train with Ser Pod, and that’s alright I guess, but he’s not nearly as good as you and I can’t practice my left arm with him. I can almost beat him when he tries!”, she lowered her voice to a whisper. “He’s not very good with his left arm.”

Jaime just laughed at that. “I’m sure you could best me right now too. You win anyway, even when I am well.”, he teased.

“That’s because you let me win.” Brienne could almost see her rolling her eyes.

Brienne could hear the laughter in his voice. “I do not! You are honestly one of the best swordswomen I know.”

“You mean, other than momma.”

“Yes, other than your mother.”

“I’m going to take such good care of you, Papa. Look, I brought a book to read you! It’s Lemon’s favourite.” 

Brienne stepped away from the doorway, chuckling to herself, her heart swelling with love for the two of them. How could she ever deprive Cat of her father, just when she had found him?

***

Jaime healed slowly but steadily, finding the strength to sit up in his bed, and eventually take walks around the keep. Cat loved playing nursemaid to him and so sat by his bed to feed him, read to him from her storybooks and walked with him, propping him up by the elbow. It was clear that he was strong enough to feed himself and stand and walk on his own but he played the patient with her to her great delight, and to his. Brienne’s heart only swelled more at the sight. 

After his recovery, Brienne felt an urgency to speak to Jaime but she bided her time, waiting for him to heal fully before they revisited Jaime’s future plans. She knew how she felt. She couldn’t imagine watching him leave again, not after all the time she had spent with him, unknowingly growing to love him again. But the fear she felt at, once again, giving her heart away, consumed her still. Too many nights she’d spent fitfully, fighting her love for him and fighting the fear she felt at being hurt again. Protecting herself was the only thing she knew how to do. She could live the rest of her life alone. But at what cost? Being Cat’s mother was all she wanted to need, but the ache to be near him, to be loved as he had loved her once, as it was clear he loved her still, remained. Could he be believed? Could she trust again? The answers eluded her. They needed to talk. 

The night was warm and the bed felt cloying. She needed air. She bolted out of bed, wrapped herself in her dressing gown and threw open the doors to her balcony.

Jaime stood there, looking out over the city when the doors to her rooms were thrown open. It startled him, and he turned to her guiltily, as if he had been caught in a crime. He came here, only once in a while, when it was too much, just to be near her. To remember how it had been between them once, and all they had lost since then. He would mourn for her on those rare nights, and sometimes allow himself to weep, and in the morning he would return to Ser Jaime, her friend and confidant, and he could endure again. 

He hadn’t been back since he fell ill but on this night, the memory of their fight weeks before had woken him. His illness had spared him some time but he knew he would have to decide. She wanted him to move on. To find another, when he knew very well that there was no other for him. But he knew he couldn’t live like this, living in between the moments with her and without her. A decision needed to be made. A cut, quick and clean, for all their sakes.

She froze when she saw him. 

“Brienne...I’m sorry. I’ll go.” 

“No!”, she said quickly. “Don’t go.” He looked like he wanted to escape but he stayed at her command. “What are you doing here? You should be resting.”

Jaime composed himself quickly. 

“I’ve had enough of bed rest. I was just feeling restless. You have the best view of the city and you keep it all to yourself. I’m just stealing it...for a moment.” 

She walked over to join him. “I’m glad you’re here. I’ve been needing to say something.”

Jaime just nodded and braced himself for the words that would tear his life in two. He knew she had needed to speak to him. He could see it in her eyes...that restlessness she felt as well. 

“Jaime, that night of the dinner... you were right. I haven’t been fair.”

“Brienne, no, I’ve been the one that’s been unfair...”

“Please, just listen.” She turned to him “I am sorry for  _ my _ display that night. I hated myself even as I said it. I have wanted you close and all for myself and Cat, but only on my terms. And I am sorry for that. If I’ve ever made you feel trapped, or, or…”

“I don’t feel  _ trapped _ , Brienne. I’ve been happier here than I think I’ve ever been. I chose this life and I will never regret that I did. I only regret that it’s made your life more difficult.” He waited for a response but she remained silent. His heart fell. “You didn’t ask me to come back. I just showed up in your life again, arrogant and selfish, hoping that I wasn’t too late. This was our agreement and I loved being close to you both, being in your lives. You have given me the greatest gift. I am so thankful for every day I had with you and our daughter. Please, always remember that.”

Brienne smiled softly and looked up at the night sky. They said nothing for a time.

“I also have the best view of the stars from here.”

He stole a glance at her face. A small smile played on her lips and it tore at him all over again, until she turned that smile to him, and it made his heart jump in his chest. She remembered.

“Milaj and Phedah.”, he said.

“I had no idea what you were talking about. I had to ask Maester Tarly if he knew.”

“And? What did Maester Tarly say?”

Brienne looked down at her feet and blushed but then looked back up into his eyes, searchingly.

“ _ They are companion stars and they travel the skies together, no matter the season. _ ”

“No matter the season.”, he repeated. And that was it. No matter the season, no matter the situation, no matter the ache in his heart. He would go, but they would always be connected. “I missed our travels together.”

She moved closer to him and leaned her shoulder against his and he felt the warmth of her through her thin dressing gown. It sent a jolt through him.  _ By all the gods, it would be difficult, though.  _

“All I ever wanted was to trust you again. To know that my heart was safe with you.”

He slowly turned to see a question in her eyes. 

“What does that mean?”, he whispered.

“It means, Ser Jaime Lannister, that there is no one else for me either. But I cannot have love without trust.”

She turned her big blue eyes fully on him. His heart was pounding wildly in his chest now. 

“Wait here.”, he said as he slipped through the balcony door and reappeared in seconds with Oathkeeper. He pulled it from its sheath, and placed it in Brienne’s hands, grabbing the naked edge of the sword with his one good hand and dropped to his knee. He pointed the blade at his heart, by now blood seeping out of his hand.

“Jaime! Your hand…!”

“ _ Shhhh. _ Nevermind that. Please, hear me now.” He grabbed the blade tighter and tugged it closer to his chest. She gasped but could only stand, holding the tip of her sword to his heart, her eyes locked on his, not daring to breathe. 

“Ser Brienne of Tarth. If you tell me now that you bear no love for me, then tomorrow, I will take my title and go and live as Lord of Casterly Rock, and I swear to you on my honour that I will speak no more of love to you.” He paused, not breaking his hold on her eyes. “But if you say to me now that you could love me again, then I swear to you on my honour as a knight, and as a father to our daughter, that I will love you for the rest of my days, and I will gladly spend that time doing all I can to hold your trust and your heart in mine. And if I should ever fail, which I swear to you now I would not, I would have you pierce my heart with your blade, for I would not want to live another day more.”

Brienne stood silent, feeling the weight of his oath sink in, feeling her life change with his words. A peace washed over her. She was ready.

She swallowed and reached to pull his bloody hand off of Oathkeeper. She cut the hem of her nightgown and tore a long piece off and pulled Jaime to his feet. She carefully wrapped his hand in the delicate piece of cloth and tied it tightly. Only then did she look up into his expectant eyes. 

“And what of your title? Of your home?”, she asked.

“I have no need of a title, and you are my home.”

“And what of your engagement?” The question seemed to confuse him. “Tyrion said you were to be engaged.”

Jaime let out the breath he was holding. “No, Brienne. It was offered but I declined. I have no need of a wife or family. None but you and Catelyn.”

She stepped closer to him, so they were only a breath away from each other. 

“Well then, I suppose that if you won’t have another…”

“Brienne, please...”, he shook his head. 

“...then you’ll just have to have me.”, she said quietly. 

She reached for his bound hand and kissed it. It took him a moment to register what she had said because she wouldn’t look up at him. He watched her place his hand on her chest and place hers over his heart, finally look up into his eyes, waiting expectantly for him to respond.

Jaime let out a ragged breath, a tentative smile tugged at the corner of his lips. She smiled back at him shyly. 

“Ask me again, Brienne.”, Jaime breathed. “Just so I know I’m not dreaming.”

Brienne grinned and leaned in closer. 

“Ask me, Brienne.” he said again, softly, looking into the eyes that he wanted to wake up to for the rest of his life. 

“Stay with me, Jaime.”

_ “Yes. Always...” _ , he breathed with joy as he pulled her to him, letting the tears fall on their cheeks as he kissed her again and again. Laughing, she pulled away and looked into his green eyes. 

“An oath then.”, she said with seriousness.

“An oath.”, he repeated solemnly, and pulled her to him again, kissing her again, but slowly, repeating his promises without words.

“My beautiful Lady Brienne.”, he breathed in between kisses, holding and caressing her face close to his. “Cat will be thrilled.”

Brienne pulled herself away. “Yes, she will.” And she grabbed his hand and pulled him back into her room. “Tomorrow.”


End file.
